If you work with children, this article will provide more insight into dealing with children during major life events. What are major life events for children and what effect do they have on their lives?
Grief and loss
young children are not yet able to experience and grieve the fullness of loss, and to understand death. Misunderstandings and incorrect statements are:
- children who cry too much are unstable.
- Children who have undergone a grieving process later become unstable adults.
- A child’s grieving proceeds in predictable phases.
- children only grieve for a short time.
- Children should not be sad for long periods of time.
- Children are not allowed to notice their parents’ sadness.
When you guide a toddler while the toddler is in a phase of a major event ( grief, loss, divorce, moving ), you must know that a young child cannot be occupied with grief for a long time. A toddler can be engrossed in play one moment and in a sad mood the next. Because the phase in which the child is sad is not continuous , the child can show sadness again after a long time. As an adult it is important to be aware of this. Awareness of this fact helps to respond with understanding. A child may start to relive the loss (or traumatic event) when the children enter a new phase emotionally and cognitively. As a parent or supervisor, you also need to be aware of this, so that you know what to expect. This way you are better able to respond to this. A child simply does not deal with grief in the same way as an adult. A clear and honest explanation of the reason for the traumatic event, at a level at which the child can understand it at that moment, is important.
Children cannot understand everything, but they are entitled to a good explanation. It often happens that parents, caregivers and the environment want to protect the child from pain. But children have antennae and know perfectly well that something is going on. By not dealing honestly with the child’s feelings and not investing extra time in this, the relationship between parents or supervisors can be damaged. What do you say when someone has died? For example, you can say that someone who has died no longer feels anything.
Divorce
It is very unpleasant for children to have to deal with a divorce. It is very unrealistic for them to realize that the parents really no longer get together. The fact that they continue to hope/expect that parents will get back together is a phase that can last a long time . More than in a loss situation , children do their best to hide their sadness. A divorce also causes grief, but the parent with whom the child remains may be too busy with his or her own worries. However, when it comes to grief after divorce, there is often denial among children: after all, they still hope that the parents will get back together. In any case, it makes children feel unsafe: they are afraid that the other parent might run away too. So it is important to be open to their feelings and to talk about them.
What do toddlers know about death?
Toddlers don’t understand death yet. They are still in the stage of magical thinking, so it is not possible for them to have a concrete image of dying. They want to give it a place in their fantasy. For a young child, death is not something irrevocable, but something temporary. In their play they like to express their emotions. It is therefore important that children have sufficient opportunity to play at home in their safe environment.
Dealing with loss
Children sense very well that the parents at home are also different because of the loss. Although they give the event a place in their imagination, as a parent/guardian you should not think that they are not affected by it. As an adult, you don’t help children by protecting them from pain. In order to understand what is going on now, what exactly this means for them, they must be properly informed by their parents and/or supervisors.
The importance of play
Children process their adventures and experiences in play: they reenact the experience using, for example, cuddly toys or dolls. It is very good to give this opportunity. Furthermore, it is good to invest in physical and mental development. In this way you provide a young child with the opportunity to further develop into becoming an independent person. If the traumatic event makes it difficult for you to make contact with a child, you can make extra time to give the child a nice massage and make small talk, sing songs or read verses. It is now important to build on positive experiences.