Asking questions is an essential part of a good conversation. By asking questions you show that you are listening and you encourage the other person to tell more. Which questions are the most effective?
Closed questions
A closed question often starts with a verb, and the answer to a closed question can be a simple yes, no or good. It therefore depends on the intention of the conversation whether this type of question is suitable. Just look at this conversation:
- How was work? Good.
- Have you been busy? Yes.
- Are you tired? Yes.
This conversation isn’t going well. It’s more like an interrogation. In this case, the questioner does not achieve his goal by asking closed questions. That doesn’t mean that closed questions are always wrong. Answering closed questions is usually nice and safe, you stay on familiar ground, you don’t have to think very deeply before answering, and you don’t have to reveal more personal details than you want.
Introduction
Closed questions are therefore quite useful as an introduction to a conversation. You can help young children in particular get started by asking a few closed questions. Moreover, it is a good instrument to gauge whether the child has a need to talk. You show that you are interested and that you have time for a chat. After a few closed questions, switch to more open questions. If the child does indeed want to say something, the open questions will come naturally.
- How was school? Stupid.
- What have you done? Nothing.
- Which teacher was there today? Miss Janneke, and she did that again… and then…
This way, despite the short answers to the first questions, a conversation gets started. You can also put people who are nervous, such as applicants, at ease by first asking a few closed questions: Did you find it easy? Do you want something to drink? This gives the other person some time to absorb the environment and relax, and he does not really have to worry about formulating a good answer .
Demarcate
Closed questions are also useful to define a topic. You do this if you do not want to give too many options. Imagine that you have visitors and you actually have nothing in your house. If you now ask: What do you want to drink? You run the risk that your guest mentions something you don’t have. So you ask: Do you want coffee? Now you can expect a yes or no, and you won’t be asked a question you can’t answer. By being aware of this you can avoid painful or embarrassing situations.
Open questions
Open questions generally start with words such as: Who, what, where, which, why, how come, etc. and are mainly intended to give your conversation partner space to talk. The answer to an open question is much more extensive and goes deeper into the topic of conversation. We have already seen that not every interrogative pronoun invites us to tell. How was work? is an open question. Yet you can get a simple Good as an answer. Also to a question like Who is that? you can expect a short answer. If you ask Where did you meet her? you are much more likely to get a detailed answer. A good open question invites you to tell more. Especially if you specifically ask what someone thinks about something, you create an opening for a good conversation. It is important that you are not just concerned with coming up with good questions. Be sure to listen carefully, because the information the other person provides is a good basis for keeping the conversation going and deepening it.
Risk
The risk of asking open questions is that your conversation partner may feel cornered. After all, you ask more and more deeply about the subject, while the other person may not want to share everything about his or her experiences or feelings with you. Questions that start with Why especially have that effect. So use it in moderation. But even if you explicitly ask questions about the other person’s feelings or behavior, you run the risk that they will shut down. ,Why did you do that?, ,How come you don’t want to do that, and such questions are appropriate when asked by a counselor, but as a colleague, friend or partner you must be careful not to go too far into the personal space of the other.
If you want to be a dynamic conversation partner, alternate open and closed questions. This prevents the conversation from resembling an interrogation, and gives your partner the space to keep certain things to themselves.