If a child can no longer live with his parents, he or she is often placed in a foster family. A foster family is usually the best alternative. The child then comes into a family that is prepared to receive and raise him. The family will provide the child with the opportunity to develop and grow. The foster family knows about different behavior and the way in which the foster child can behave.
Experiences of the child
Most foster children have already been through a lot before they start living in a foster family. Many of these children have already experienced more than one parenting situation. Their own parents, other foster families or a boarding school. And so they have also experienced many changes in caregivers. People on whom the child was dependent and who then suddenly disappeared from his life again. The necessity of the out-of-home placement is incomprehensible to the child, even if there was abuse: they are his parents, aren’t they? So it’s normally like that. It is incomprehensible to the child that he always has to go to another family or that the group leadership keeps changing. Adults keep letting him down, so he has to make sure he gets what he wants: he will focus on satisfying his needs. This will be noticeable in his behavior: eating too much or too little, poor self-care, aggressive, apathetic, obstructive and attracting attention.
This behavior is actually a reaction to how adults have treated him until then. In the first years of his life, he experienced that adults were unreliable and that his needs were not met in time. Living in a foster family does not provide peace, but fear of this new situation.
I will describe the feelings and associated behavior:
Fear and confusion
In his short life the child has already had a lot of bad experience. It is therefore very different for the foster parents when a nephew or niece comes to stay than when a foster child comes to live there. Often unconsciously, foster parents will compare the child with their own children. That won’t really be possible, because a foster child reacts very differently, even to ordinary things. He does not know the habits of the foster family, it is all so very different from home. Or if the child comes from a boarding school, he or she often no longer knows what it is like to live in a family. The child will be confused and many unknown things will give him anxiety. The child has learned through experience that he cannot rely on adults: after all, they keep disappearing from his life. It is better not to express your feelings, tomorrow another group leader will come. Foster parents know that it takes time and patience to show the child that they can be trusted and that they love him. Then the child will start to feel at home.
To be used to
The amount of time and patience foster parents need varies from child to child. It also depends on how seriously damaged the child is and his trust in adults and what happened in his first years of life. The child gets used to his new parents, brothers and sisters, but also to habits and rules. When the child has calmed down and adjusted, new fears may arise: can he stay or… That fear makes him insecure and a child often does not yet know how to deal with all those feelings. It is very important for him that foster parents recognize these fears and encourage him to talk about them and confirm to him again and again that he can stay.
Feeling at home in the foster family
If the child starts to feel at home in the foster family, it will challenge the foster parents. This has to do with feelings of uncertainty. Over and over again the child wants to notice and hear that he belongs, that he can stay and even if he has been punished. Can I still stay? Won’t you send me away? The difficult behavior may actually be a request to stay and not to leave. If the foster parents see this and confirm him in this, it will give him a calm and safe feeling. The child dares to become himself and then dares to give in to his need for warmth and love. It is difficult for foster parents to properly assess the sometimes bizarre behavior and to respond adequately. It takes a while before one can understand the meaning of the behavior.
Conclusion
Because the child has learned early on that adults do not want it to be their responsibility, it will take a lot of love, patience and endurance for the foster parents to calm the child down and restore trust in people.
The child will show his fear in behavior, which is often difficult to interpret. But every child is worth having someone committed to him.