You are alone at Christmas. Is that bad or can you turn it into something nice? Everything in December is in the context of the approaching holidays. Anyone who is single due to the loss of a partner, is not in a relationship or has one that has just broken up, seems to have to contend with the loneliness syndrome during Christmas. The message is that people should not have to spend holidays such as Christmas as singles. But is that really necessary? And why should the loneliness that is already present be greater during Christmas as a single person?
Only at Christmas: approach it from Buddhism
The approach in this article is the approach from Buddhism. For many people, this philosophy has a deep influence on their spiritual lives and comes from Buddha or Siddhartha Gautama who was born 487 years BC in Lumbini somewhere between present-day Nepal and Northern India. The title Buddha is given to one who has attained the highest spiritual insight and it means ,the Awakened One,. This is not about waking up as we do in the morning, it is about a much deeper and more intense consciousness. From Buddha’s point of view, our awakening is merely an earthly dream life in which we try to create an identity. However, Buddha lives in a spiritual reality and is aware of things as they really are. Therein lies the essence, because from Buddha’s view, suffering is directly connected to desire. Buddha called this the 4 Noble Truths:
- Life is suffering
- Suffering is caused by desire
- Suffering can be ended
- There is a path that leads to the cessation of suffering.
Life is suffering
The First Truth examines the suffering that is essential to life. Not only the suffering caused by illness and death, but especially that caused by the loss of loved ones, things or even ideas about how something should be. The idea is that we do everything to get what we want, but in the meantime we are afraid of losing it again. All this brings suffering. The Second Truth shows that desire is the cause of suffering. Above all, there is a strong desire for everything that is pleasant in life, sensual satisfaction is paramount. There is also the desire for life itself, the urge to attach, but also to possess. The third desire, however, wants to reject and destroy. This can manifest itself in an enormously destructive attitude to life. The Third Truth indicates that there is a way to end suffering, namely by putting an end to desire, by not giving in to it, by rejecting it and by not clinging to it. When everything falls away, expectations disappear, greed, hatred, delusion are given up, truth, love and generosity of spirit reveal themselves. To achieve this, Buddha composed a large number of precepts. The right insights, right intentions, right speech and action are an important part of this. Meditation is also important for someone who follows Buddhist teachings, because it results in deeper consciousness.
I really dread Christmas alone
The truth of the moment is that not everyone lives according to Buddha’s teachings and that the holidays are just around the corner. For many, that can be a mountain they look up to, because they have to spend those days alone. That is a reality. Moreover, a person is a group person. Nor can anyone lack love; a child who does not receive attention from his mother in the baby phase can die from this. Those are facts.
Contemporary society is individualizing
The contemporary reality, however, is that society is becoming increasingly individualized. Traditional family relationships are no longer so obvious and more and more people live alone. This is not only because relationships are increasingly characterized by their serial monogamous state (people are increasingly in a relationship for a number of years and then break up again), but also because there are more and more elderly people. They lose their partner to death, but more and more elderly people are also divorcing their husband or wife more often. This means that people without a partner may have an extra difficult time this month, if only because of the pressure imposed by society. Slogans such as ,not alone at Christmas, or ,alone now., make it seem like a norm to have a partner or that it is at least terribly bad to spend Christmas alone. Isn’t there some restraint in that? Doesn’t that mean people are being talked into something that may not bother them at all?
Only compare your Christmas to people dying elsewhere due to violence or hunger
In Buddha’s mind, there is absolutely nothing wrong with spending Christmas alone. The suffering that one suffers by being so attached to things that are often in one’s own head, can stop that feeling of loneliness and unhappiness by looking at it differently. Obviously, this is a process, but it can help to at least take small steps on that path. It can also help to put things into perspective. Compared to what’s happening in the rest of the world, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to be alone for two days. People all over the world die from starvation, from violence, from the consequences of natural disasters. Here in the Netherlands, just sitting on the couch at home with a good meal and a nice bottle of wine or juice doesn’t seem so bad.
Holidays are relative: families often argue during Christmas
Moreover, holidays are relative. In other countries these moments are like others, different parties are celebrated on different dates. That makes it very different. Moreover, these so-called ,family days, also have numerous ,worldly, disadvantages. Having to sit in a suit or dress that is too tight and gaining weight because of all that abundant food are not exactly reasons to be happy. Moreover, it has been proven that holidays are the perfect moments when families or friends express their irritations to each other and emotions can sometimes even run very high. Once again a plea to perhaps stay alone during Christmas.
Take time for yourself when you are alone at Christmas
In a busy life, two days of doing nothing and being disconnected from the world can also be very reflective. A good book, something tasty to eat, a good bottle of wine or a healthy fruit juice can also make such a ,lonely Christmas, a highlight. Returning to society fully rested, slim as before and without arguments can have its advantages. And if you still want to do something, you can always choose from the enormous range of parties and celebrations for singles. From getting a breath of fresh air on a Wadden Island to dancing in a castle and from dining by candlelight to of course a long holiday, it is all possible. The fact remains that such days take on such a meaning because of the weight that people give to them in their minds and what others give to them, causing the person in question to suffer. Anyone who knows how to turn this in their head and feelings into the idea of detachment will get through Christmas in a normal or even ordinary way. Also alone.
Tips
Enjoy what is there. That stocked refrigerator, the nice weather, the dog that likes to walk, the snow that falls, the hyacinth that blooms.
Meditate
Try meditating. Sit comfortably in a chair, close your eyes, keep your feet on the floor and place your hands in your lap or on the back of the chair. Take a two-syllable word and recite it continuously in your mind. Everything that passes by may just be there, but don’t sit and think about it. Let the thoughts just blow by, so to speak. If possible, do this in the morning and evening.
Don’t judge your days against what others are doing
What’s the point of comparing the days against those of others? The reality is that’s what it is.
Do chores that you otherwise wouldn’t get around to
Anyone who enjoys doing something that they would otherwise not have time to do has arranged that again. Nice job, painting the wall, giving the cupboards a good scrub. Why not?
Go have a drink with someone, there is often time for that
You can always just grab a cup of coffee from someone. And then back to your own home where there are no obligations, where you don’t have to spend hours cooking (or you do if someone likes that) and where you can take a nap if someone likes that.
Find like-minded people
If you really want to do something for Christmas, find people who are in the same boat as you. There are probably people around you who are also alone. You don’t have to spend the whole day with them, but spending part of Christmas with them could potentially give you a completely different feeling.