Dating can be exciting or romantic, but you can also have bad luck with a bad date. He can take control of you almost unnoticed and abuse you physically or mentally. How do you recognize your mistake in time from the signals that your otherwise very charming and nice dating partner is a wolf in sheep’s clothing? And how can you end such an unhappy relationship as safely as possible?
Your future life partner or the mistake of your life?
Suppose you met someone a while ago. You have undertaken a number of fun and interesting activities together. He or she has an interesting job, is popular within his circle of friends, has strong communication skills, looks well-groomed and is particularly attentive to you. And maybe you will always receive a wonderful gift or beautiful bouquet from him or her on Valentine’s Day, your birthday or on other occasions. In short, at first glance a potential life companion. But you still have doubts. You feel like something is not right with your dating partner, boyfriend or fiancée, but what?
The point is that you have positive and enjoyable experiences with your date or partner for a while before they first try to manipulate or otherwise take advantage of you. But sometimes the pattern of ensnaring you in his or her net can be recognized at an early stage. This concerns:
- Making derogatory comments, denying and blaming others
- Intimidate
- Using threatening language
- Dominate
- Humiliate
- Possessiveness
- Tendency to sexual abuse
Making derogatory comments, denying and blaming others
A wrong partner makes derogatory comments, denies all accusations and tends to blame you. In everyday life he accepts no responsibility for his actions. He jokes while he hurts you. He also tells you that everything is your fault and acts as if he himself has done nothing (wrong). The chance of adultery by your partner seems relatively high, because he does not consider himself, but you, as the cause of his dissatisfaction.
Intimidate
You can expect the following intimidating behavior from a bad relationship. He shouts or roars or speaks in a threatening tone. He speaks to you in a condescending tone. He tears up photos and breaks things, especially things that belong to you. This usually involves destroying objects that are readily available. Sometimes he instills downright fear in you. Sometimes he apologizes afterwards. Don’t fall for it.
Using threatening language
Do you occasionally hear your boyfriend or girlfriend say that he or she cannot live without you? Does he or she ever tell you that he or she will leave you if you don’t do what he says? Does he or she regularly announce that he or she can find someone else with whom they get along better than you? Does he ever threaten to commit suicide if you break off the relationship? If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, you know you have a serious problem with your relationship.
Dominate
Does your partner regularly behave dominantly? This is the case if one or more of the following questions apply to you.
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend treat you like a little child, an object, his property or his slave? Does your partner make all the decisions? Does he or she have unrealistic expectations that no human can meet? Does your partner want to decide which people you can hang out with? Does he or she determine the rules of your relationship?
Humiliate
Wrong partners can also be recognized by the following behaviors. They oppress their boyfriend or girlfriend or scold them. They come with constant criticism. They make their partner feel crazy. They humiliate their relationship in front of other people. They evoke feelings of guilt in their boyfriend or girlfriend. Or they embarrass their partner.
Possessiveness
One of the annoying qualities of a bad partner is his possessive behavior. He or she uses jealousy as a sign of love. He accuses you of cheating. He or she does not allow you to have other friends and makes you choose between himself or herself and your own friends. He or she wants to determine how you think about things, how you dress and/or how you behave. Perhaps he or she wants to force you to do things that do not suit you with large gifts for Valentine’s Day and other occasions? For example, by reminding you how much he or she does for you with those gifts and that you are ‘therefore’ behaving selfishly if you do not want to constantly do what he or she wants.
Tendency to sexual abuse
Unmistakable red flags include the following. If your partner brags about your sexual relationship to others. Or if he compares you to his past relationships. If he flirts with the intention of making you jealous. If he tries to have sex with the help of alcohol or drugs. If he won’t take no for an answer if you don’t want to sleep with him. If he assaults or rapes you.
Abuse
Abuse can take many different forms. It starts with grabbing or holding you so you can’t run away. But he can also push you against a wall, for example, with or without force. Or he can give you a bruise and sore spot with a blow, punch or kick, whether or not in a place where no one can see it.
Recognize the early signs of a potentially abusive relationship
If you’re dating someone who meets at least one of the following characteristics, you may be dealing with one of the early signs of a potentially abusive relationship.
- Your dating partner is acting jealous and possessive. For example, he doesn’t want you to have other friends and he checks your movements.
- He also tries to gain control over you by being bossy and giving you orders. He might even scare you. For example, you may worry about how he will respond to certain things with verbal or physical violence.
- He regularly goes out of his way. Perhaps he is known for fighting or losing his temper quickly?
- Does he keep pushing for sex when you’ve told him you’re not into it? He may even try with manipulative comments along the lines of, ,If you really loved me, would you grant me this?, Does he get too serious about your relationship too quickly?
- Is he using alcohol or drugs and is he trying to get you crazy too?
- Does he blame you when he abuses you, arguing that you brought it on yourself?
- Does he have a string of previous failed relationships behind him and does he believe that men should take the lead and women should follow suit?
- Have your family and friends warned you about this person or told you that they are concerned for your well-being or safety?
How do you end a sick relationship as safely as possible?
In any case, tell your family, friends, or a teacher at school that you want to break up an awkward relationship and inform them of the place, date, and time you plan to do so.
In addition, consider contacting social work. There you can get good tips for situations like yours. In certain cases they can help you hide in a safe place for some time.
If necessary, talk to the police. Sometimes a relationship has already had previous contacts with the police and then you know better what difficulties can await you if the relationship ends and how you can best deal with them. In some cases the police will keep an eye on things.
Preferably end the relationship in the home of and in the presence of your parents and/or friends, but in any case in a place where there are other people you know and who will actually come to your aid if necessary. Expect little or no help from bystanders. Strangers don’t understand what’s going on or don’t dare to intervene. You may feel that your family and acquaintances will make comments along the lines of: We told you so. Better get over that: no one always has a monopoly on wisdom and to err is simply human. Be happy that they want to help you and accept any lectures. This is typically a time when you can use all the help from your friends and family.
Never go alone to a lonely or secluded place such as a park, dead-end alley or parking lot. Try to have as many friends around you as possible when you have to go out. This is especially important when it is dim or dark outside.
If you live on your own, have all your locks changed. Even if he or she does not yet have their own key to your house. After all, you never know for sure what excuse your ex can use to get a spare key?
Be clear with your partner about ending the relationship. Do not give conflicting messages or signals. Indicate what your boundaries and wishes are and stick to them.
Try to recognize manipulative behavior and appeals to guilt. Be insensitive to tears, expressions of helplessness, and threats of suicide.
read more
- How do you protect yourself against manipulative people?
- Cheating: what next?
- Tips for successful dating
- Tips for if you want to break up with your date or courtship
- Afraid of violence if you break up your relationship