Literally, confrontation means placing facts or opinions against each other. This has a negative connotation, it sounds quarrelsome, like a right-to-right battle. It doesn’t have to be that way. Where an argument is an escalation of built-up emotions, a confrontation is calmer and better thought out. So you achieve more with it. Confront, how do you do that?
What is it about?
If you want to confront someone else in a meaningful way with what is bothering you, first consider what exactly it is about. Maybe something happens that you don’t agree with, or the other person has a habit that irritates you. It is not without reason that it bothers you. That’s because you have your own opinion, your own values and standards and your own goals. The other person does or says something that contradicts this. The other person’s attitude, choices or behavior means there is less room for you. If that happens regularly it will irritate you. Determine as precisely as possible what it is that bothers you, and how it bothers you. Also think about what you want to achieve when you talk about it with the other person. Is it enough that the other person knows that it bothers you, or do you want something to change?
Tell the other person
If you know exactly what annoys you, ask if the other person has some time for you. Don’t make it too difficult, just say that something is bothering you and that you want to talk about it. If the other person is willing to listen to you, tell them briefly and without reproaches what is bothering you. Talk in the first person as much as possible, so that it does not sound accusatory or reproachful. State your own observation. Don’t try to give an interpretation, such as: because you are too lazy, or because you only think about yourself. With such interpretations you put the other person on the defensive, and then the basis for a good conversation is spoiled.
Do it on time
As I explained in Arguing or Confronting, it’s better to confront each other with your real feelings sooner rather than later. If you wait a long time, the bucket of frustration will slowly fill up. The chance that you will suddenly explode and argue becomes increasingly greater. So think about your feelings in time. Ask yourself how you feel and what causes that. By telling the other person at an early stage you prevent further irritation and arguing that will not solve anything.
Explain what it does to you
Just stating the facts is not enough. If you want to achieve something with your confrontation, you have to explain what the behavior or event affects you, how it makes you feel, what effect it has on you. Only then will it become clear to the other person that you feel bothered. If you say: I notice that you often hum while working. the other person can say; Yes, that’s a nice song, I only heard it on the radio. This way you miss your goal. So say: I notice that you often hum while working. That takes me out of concentration and then I can’t finish my work. Now it is clear what your problem is.
Ask for a response
The most important part of a good confrontation is of course the confrontation itself. You tell the other person how you think about something, what bothers you, what concerns you, how certain behavior appears to you. But the other person’s reaction is at least as important. So tell what is going on, and then ask what the other person thinks about it. He can then explain his choice or behavior. Maybe you will understand it better and it won’t bother you anymore, or maybe you will come up with a way together in which you can both benefit.
Confrontation is always useful! Even if your frustration cannot be resolved immediately, because the other person is now aware of what bothers you and how it makes you feel. That always has an influence, no matter how small.