Grief is a normal process that people sometimes have to go through. Not over it, but through it. That can be a very intense process and may take a while. However, sometimes there are circumstances that complicate the completion of the grieving process and sometimes it simply does not work out. I’ll start with the difficult circumstances:
Missing
- When someone goes missing, it complicates the grieving process, because you don’t know for sure whether that person is dead. That uncertainty reinforces the tendency to deny.
- In addition, if you go missing, there may be a practical problem that makes everything even more difficult: nothing is paid out. So the person who stays behind gets nothing if a breadwinner goes missing. As it is now, it takes 5 years before the person left behind gets anything. There are plans to shorten this to 1 year, but even then this is a major practical problem, not only consider daily living costs, but also consider the monthly mortgage repayments, etc.
Suicide
After suicide, those left behind often feel very guilty. That is not right, because you cannot take responsibility for the choice that someone else makes. Ultimately, the environment cannot do anything about the choice someone makes.
Feelings of guilt
However, after a suicide, relatives usually do have feelings of guilt. If you get stuck in those feelings of guilt, forget what I said above for a moment. Help yourself by fully recognizing those feelings of guilt as your personal experience. The way out can be found in the recognition of your own personal experience. Then write a letter to the deceased and bury it on the grave. Because really, you couldn’t help it.
Delayed grief and stalled grief
There is also such a thing as postponed grief or stalled grief.
5 years
If you have been grieving for a long time, it just won’t go away and those around you have been thinking for a long time that you should get over it, don’t think that there is something wrong with you. The grieving process can take up to 5 years. Even if you are grieving due to a divorce, it can take up to 5 years without anything being wrong with you. If you are reading this and you have just lost someone, you do not have to be shocked by this: I am not saying that it will take 5 years, I am saying that it can take 5 years. A grieving process usually takes a period of between six months and 5 years.
Be brave
But it is also possible that you are stuck in your process. And maybe that is the case with you, because you are of course reading this article for a reason.
- Were you very strong and courageous when the person you loved so much died?
Then it may well be that your grief has come to a standstill. If you’re afraid of feeling and want to control it, it’s better to deal with it right now. Because you can postpone grief, but you cannot cancel it. The feelings of grief will come anyway, possibly years later, for example when the cat dies.
Shoulders underneath
Grief can also get stuck because you put your shoulders to the wheel immediately after the death because you felt that you had to move on with your life. You probably were very active immediately after your death to ensure that your life continued as normally as possible. But the point is: your life wasn’t normal and escaping into work or activities doesn’t really help.
Signs that your grief has stalled:
- you deny the death
- you keep your child’s bedroom intact
- you set the table for the deceased
- talking about the deceased is not allowed
- there should be no visible things of the deceased
- you have depression that won’t go away
- you lose weight
- you sleep poorly
- you don’t want to see anyone
If someone is stuck in mourning, circumstances must be organized so that it is permissible to express emotions. Expressing the emotions is the solution. This often requires a specialized therapist.