Have you ever experienced that your conversation partner suddenly says: Are you actually listening? Or: No, I don’t mean that at all! I’m not talking about that! These are clear signals that you have not been listening carefully. Even if you heard everything the other person said, because hearing is very different from listening. Listen, how should that be done?
Body language
Firstly, it is important that your conversation partner notices that you are listening. So pay attention to your body language: what do you show with your body. Are you sitting with your back to your partner, are you standing in a different room, are you engrossed in the newspaper? Then you give the impression that you are not listening, even though you hear everything the other person says. So put the newspaper away, turn off the TV, turn to your conversation partner and look at him or her. The other person now knows that you have your attention and that you are open to hearing what he or she has to say.
Active listening
Then show that you hear what is being said by responding to it. For example, occasionally ask a question about what the other person said, or briefly summarize a small piece. So you were in town today, how was it there? This is called active listening. So you take an active stance, you don’t sit on the couch like ballast to absorb the words spoken, no, you do something with them. You let it sink in, you form an image of it and encourage the other person to tell more.
Return
Regularly give back to the other person what you have heard or understood about his story. So if I understand correctly you have or So you are actually saying that you In this way the other person notices that you are letting his story sink in and that you are thinking about it. At the same time, it gives him space to improve, explain or add something better.
Your own story
Let the other person finish. Check by asking questions whether he or she has told the whole story. Only offer your own opinion, addition or input if you know that the other person is open to it. If you interrupt your conversation partner after two sentences with: Oh, I experienced that too and I or Have you been to the city? But today you wouldn’t be listening. You are busy with your own affairs in your head and they dominate the conversation. The other person will not finish his story now, after all it is clear that you are not open to it. So postpone your own story. As long as the other person is still talking, only give short responses: ,Gosh, that’s awful, or ,Oh, I didn’t know that.,
Comment
Only when your conversation partner has told his story do you respond to it. If you pay close attention, you will notice when he or she has finished talking: he or she will repeat something, or fall silent, sigh, or ask you what you think. Now share your own opinion, your own experiences , possibly give tips for a solution, and suggest ideas. In any case, follow the story you heard, stay on the same topic.
In short, adopt an interested attitude, ask questions about what you hear, summarize a bit every now and then and let the other person know what you have understood from his story. Don’t come up with your own story, but actively listen to the other person. This creates a dynamic conversation where your partner actually feels heard and understood.