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Communicate effectively

With a few simple steps you can achieve more clarity, effect and enjoyment in your conversations. Knowing how you communicate and what your motivation is gives your conversation flexibility and added value. This streamlines the way you communicate. There is no such thing as wrong communication. There are choices in communication. If communication fails, it is never the other person’s fault, but always your own. The way to change it is to adjust your communication by:

  • different word choice – body language – intonation
  • stop communicating
  • metacommunication

Ultimately, it is never possible to change the other person or to have them communicate entirely in your own way. If you try to do that, it can cause a lot of annoyance (for the other person, but also for yourself ). Changing your own way of communicating is much easier and more effective.

Metacommunication

Metacommunication is concerned with the way you communicate. A statement like: Shall we discuss this in peace for the next fifteen minutes? is an example of metacommunication. Noticing that you speak from anger, and judging this for yourself, is also a form of metacommunication (internal). Discussing with the other person that you notice that you are speaking out of anger is also metacommunication (external).

Briefly:

  • Internal metacommunication is assessing communication within yourself
  • External metacommunication is naming / discussing communication, together with the other(s)
  • Your thoughts determine your communication with yourself and others
  • You can direct your thoughts

 

Use the 3-what arrangement

  • What do I want to say?
  • What is the goal?
  • What if I don’t say it?

 

What do I want to say?

What you want to say often comes out differently when you think (briefly) about that question. This usually involves improving your communication; it becomes more effective

What is my purpose in saying this?

What do you want from yourself and others? What do you want to achieve? What result do you want to achieve with what you say?
examples of desired results are:

  • allowed to make noise
  • drive away boredom
  • provide information (why?)
  • gathering information (why?)
  • influence/change mood
  • to favor others/yourself (or not)
  • to impress/impress

None of these motivations are right or wrong: at most you can think about the best choice for that moment. For example, if you want to impress someone with a story, this will create a completely different impression in a group where strong stories are told as a pastime than during a meeting about something else.

What if I don’t say it?

When you think seriously about this question, you are probably left with only a small part of the communication you initially wanted to make. This is because communication not only has the function of exchanging information, but also social exchange (of feelings, emotions, moods, etc.).

The question: What happens if I don’t say it? can save time and therefore be particularly effective. It is a reversal of the question: What is the purpose? because it presents the counter arguments for your motivation (s). During a training course for bank employees, the participants managed to hold a meeting in twenty minutes, which previously took more than two hours, only because everyone, at the trainer’s request, continuously asked themselves: What will happen if I do this (which I would now want to say) don’t say?

Listen

One of the most important aspects of communication is listening. If you take the above seriously, you will naturally start to listen more and better to yourself and others. You learn more by listening than by talking.

Yet listening well is one of the most difficult aspects of communication. This is largely because there is a lot of noise and unrest within us, and partly because we have to deal with emotions and uncertainty. When you listen carefully, you open up to the other person, and many people experience it as a very vulnerable process to open up. What often happens is that a polite expression is adopted, the words are heard, but everything is immediately passed through filters to make it all come in as comfortably as possible and not to cause pain, fear or other negative emotions. need to experience. As a result, an important part of the message is missed, and we always only use a small part of the communication. Opening up may make you seem more vulnerable, but after some practice you will notice that it is ultimately your own sense of strength and power that protects you, and that this is not dependent on what the other person does.

Separate message and messenger

Metacommunication is almost always the separation of feelings and thoughts. By separating the message from the person who conveys or receives the message, you are already engaged in metacommunication. When someone makes a mean comment to you, you can think that person is mean, or you can think that person is making a mean comment. It is very essential in communication as well as metacommunication to know that difference well. Practice it as much as possible.

Your filters

Everything you perceive with your eyes, ears and sense of touch first goes through a layer of filters before the information is presented as we usually see, hear and feel it. Of these three senses, the sense of touch is the least subject to filters, along with taste and smell. Feeling, taste and smell (and also movement) are absorbed directly into the brain and passed on virtually unfiltered.

Seeing and hearing, however, go through countless layers before they are finally deemed suitable for presentation to the conscious mind. This filtering all happens (fortunately) unconsciously and is often based on the patterns we developed years ago and have maintained all this time. Remember that both your filters and those of your conversation partner can ensure that only a small part of the actual information actually comes in.

Triggers (What does it do to you?)

Usually you get all kinds of impulses, feelings, impressions, etc. during a conversation and you are not aware of them. Then you may have an indefinable feeling during or after the conversation, even though you don’t know exactly why.
By becoming aware of your feelings and thoughts during a conversation, you can acknowledge them, park them and come back to them later if necessary. The most important thing is that you recognize them and do something with them or not. This means they have less influence on you.

Finally

Practice makes perfect; also in communication. If you regularly apply these guidelines, your communication will improve. It’s fun to do too.
Good luck!