Where people interact with each other there is always influence, even if this is often unintentional. One has an image of oneself and the other. On the one hand, this image is colored by what the other person does or says at a certain moment. On the other hand, it is colored by how we view life and how we feel about ourselves at that moment. If we look at the other person, and the situation, from a different point of view, it can provide a refreshing view.
Point of view
Do you judge from yourself or from the other? Within influencing or communication one forms an idea about oneself and others; what we do, what the other does, takes on a certain meaning:
,That child does not obey.,
- The child is difficult, stubborn.
- I, the mother, have no authority.
,She annoys me with her talk.,
- She’s a nag.
- Maybe I don’t have enough patience or : I’m not much of a nag.
Negative labels involve unpleasant feelings that in turn cause the influence/communication to be undesirable.
90° Reversal
Kristien feels awkward because she is always so silent in company. She’s so busy with it that she can’t say a word. The result is that she avoids company to avoid being confronted with her own powerlessness. She is thus trapped in a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. Because of her negative experiences, she predicts/expects that she will not be able to say something next time. Because she is so tense and introverted, it is difficult for her to break that circle. (How the group reacts is not taken into account here, but Kristien may not even notice if someone tries to help her.)
Different meaning
Kristien brings the negative components to the foreground (order), which increases silence. If you turn the order 90°, silence takes on a different meaning, it becomes meaningful: by remaining silent, Kristien gives others the opportunity to talk. This makes silence more acceptable.
Karel has difficulty deciding: Nothing comes out of his hands and his indecision grows.
With a tilt of 90° this becomes : He has so many options that he wants to think carefully about what the best choice is.
Karla is a spontaneous type: She is loose-lipped and says what she thinks. This sometimes causes problems that make her afraid of losing her spontaneity and clamming up.
At a tilt of 90° this becomes : She wears her heart on her sleeve. People know what to expect from her. This gives them something to hold on to.
Through this approach (a different arrangement), by placing the negative not in the foreground but in the background, Karla can learn to deal with her spontaneity and learn to sometimes restrain herself without losing her spontaneity.
Out of context
When people interact with each other they get ideas about each other. People often do not place that opinion in context but make it absolute:
At school Piet is very annoying and disruptive, ergo: Piet is disruptive, the teacher thinks (while Piet is very sweet and calm at home).
In addition, the same person in a similar context can be labeled differently and have different effects. The other person has made such an impression on me (effect) and treats me in this way (effect), so he is ‘like that’. Piet finds a substitute to be enterprising and idiosyncratic. He knows what he wants and is already very good. The teacher sees him with different eyes after this.
Predictable
Interactions arise when two or more people are together and follow certain patterns. These are not fixed, but are dynamic. The dynamics are formed by the coordination of the behavior of all those involved. They make human interactions largely predictable.
Unknown situation
In an unfamiliar situation everyone is curious, tense, anxious. As soon as the situation becomes more familiar, this disappears. You learn how things work, the behavior of others becomes more predictable and you find out how to behave. Because manners do not become visible automatically, it is difficult to see the connection between one’s own tension and the course of events. People often blame the tension on themselves or others, while it may be that the manners are so rigid that there is little ‘room for movement’.
For example :
- ‘People always agree’. Els does not dare to express her (deviating) opinion;
- Eric does not tolerate conflict well and avoids arguments because he has always learned: ,We are a nice family, a good school, etc. We keep the peace and there is no arguing.,
- Ellen can never say anything positive within the women’s group because their manner of interaction says: ,You only learn through negative confrontation, rewarding is condoning.,
- Edwin is full of negative feelings towards a colleague, but cannot express them. Behavior at work: ,We support each other through positive input and approach everything positively.,
This different behavior does not occur in these circles and is therefore not accepted /appreciated. A solution is to look at them differently (90°):
- Els: people attach great importance to unity and equality;
- Eric: everyone makes sure that they feel comfortable with each other, that no one is left out;
- Ellen: People do not underestimate each other, everyone knows that the other is strong enough to tolerate criticism;
- Edwin: They ensure that everyone’s efforts are appreciated.
Decoding manners
Look for the (habitual) differences and you will understand that it is not your fault, but your manners:
- In one family they talk a lot about each other, in the other they talk about work. If you ask one family about the work, you will get little response. If you ask the other family about each other, you will get no response.
- At work, team If you are more of type X, you will not feel very comfortable in workplace Y.
One is not better than the other, it depends on your style and habits where you feel most at home.
If you are very emotional, it is virtually impossible that you can look through a different lens, turn things a quarter turn and/or bring something else to the foreground.