Attachment is a lasting affective relationship between a child and his caregivers. Good, secure attachment between parent and child contributes to the child’s health and to his or her social-emotional development. Man exhibits attachment behavior from the cradle to the grave. The early attachment patterns – secure, insecure, defensive or avoidant – become internalized and influence our thinking, feeling and acting for the rest of our lives and determine the quality of our partner relationship(s) in adulthood. The patterns of attachment behavior in childhood influence our ability to form or build intimate relationships.
- What is bonding or attachment?
- Definition
- Three characteristics of the child-caregiver attachment relationship
- Fundamental trust – basic trust (Erik Erikson)
- Care-evoking and care-giving behavior
- Four types of attachment
- Defensive attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Secure attachment
- Disorganized/disoriented
- Offer the child a safe base
- Characteristics of securely attached children
- To trust
- Emotional openness
- Self confidence
- Healthy relationships
- Emotion regulation
- Independence
- Exploration and curiosity
- Flexibility
- Power of comfort
- Social skills
- Attachment problem/attachment disorder
- Attachment from the cradle to the grave
- Insecure attachment and secure attachment
- Securely attached children
- Insecurely attached children
- Four basic patterns of attachment behavior in adults
- Basic pattern 1: anxious attachment
- Basic pattern 2: compulsive self-confidence
- Basic pattern 3: compulsive grooming
- Entering into many relationships in the role of caregiver
- Inability to build intimate relationships
- Basic Pattern 4: Avoidant Attachment
- Finally
Secure adhesion / Source: Wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock.com
What is bonding or attachment?
Definition
Attachment is the term for a relatively lasting loving relationship between a child and the people with whom he regularly interacts. British psychiatrist John Bowlby (1907-1990), a pioneer in the field of attachment, expressed the view that a loving and trusting relationship between the caregiver and the child is as important for personal growth as proteins and vitamins. Bowlby emphasized the importance of good interaction between child and parent (or caregiver) in order to develop good attachment. Bowlby’s attachment theory focuses specifically on the first two years of a child’s life. Healthy attachment is the basis for later independence and the ability to form reciprocal affective relationships. Insecure attachment relationships occur in more than a third of children living at home.[1]
Three characteristics of the child-caregiver attachment relationship
The attachment relationship between child and caregiver has three important characteristics.
- First, children who are attached to a caregiver will try to stay close to him as much as possible in times of sadness, hunger and fear.
- Second, a child is more easily reassured and comforted by an attachment person.
- The final characteristic is that in an unfamiliar environment, the attachment person is the familiar and secure base from which the environment is explored.
Especially in an unfamiliar environment, the child will protest loudly upon departure and separation from the attachment figure. When he returns, the child will react happily and cling to him just as tightly. This is a familiar scene on the first day that a child goes to primary school or daycare.
Fundamental trust – basic trust (Erik Erikson)
However, if there is a prolonged absence due to, for example, hospitalization or detention, the child will abandon the protest after a while. He feels desperate, quietly withdraws and is barely accessible to adults. There will come a time when the child seems to recover. In the meantime, it becomes clear how intense the emotions of young children can be when there is a sudden, long-term severance of the emotional bond with the caregiver. Breaking this emotional bond can have major consequences for his feelings of safety, (self) confidence and for his urge to explore, i.e. the urge to explore. The psychologist Erik Erikson spoke in this context about the fundamental trust – basic trust – of the child that is given to him by his caregiver. According to Erikson, it is the first developmental phase or task of man: trust versus fundamental distrust. This ‘conflict’ must be overcome if the child is to move on to the next phase of life.
Source: PublicDomainPictures, Pixabay
Care-evoking and care-giving behavior
The term ‘attachment’ refers to the child-caregiver relationship. The relationship consists of two complementary components: the child’s care-seeking behavior and the caregiver’s care-giving behavior. It is crucial that the caregiver is sensitive to the child’s attachment behaviors, such as cries and cries that are intended to elicit care, and responds appropriately. Because only if the caregiver is sensitive to the signals that the child sends and responds when the child needs him, then the child will feel secure and can attach in a safe way.
Four types of attachment
As one of Bowlby’s students, Mary Ainsworth developed a measuring instrument – called ‘the strange situation’ – that has become the standard tool around the world for learning about children’s attachment behavior. In short, it means that the child is first with and then without its attachment person in the company of a stranger, and one observes how it behaves. According to Ainsworth, there are three types, or qualities, of attachment, namely:
Defensive attachment
The children are characterized by a strong dependency on the caregiver. They hardly play when there is a stranger in addition to the caretaker nearby. They are immediately upset and panicky when the caregiver leaves him with a stranger and almost inconsolable when he returns.
Avoidant attachment
The psychologist Rita Kohnstamm says that these children give the impression that they are not really attached at all. They fend off dependency and their attachment behavior appears to be hardly activated upon the caregiver’s return. But appearances can be deceiving: the avoidant behavior of these children camouflages a strongly activated attachment system in reunion situations. These children only do not show attachment behavior because they expect to be frustrated and disappointed by the caregiver. They anticipate disappointment, as it were, by showing avoidant behavior, while they long for warmth and security.
Secure attachment
Secure attachment exists if the child is able to explore in a strange environment and exhibits exploratory behavior. The child may rely on the caregiver; it knows itself safe. It is the caregiver who provides the child with safety and support in the strange environment. An important characteristic of secure attachment is that the child has little fear when strangers are around and does not become upset if the caregiver is away for a while. When the caregiver returns, he greets the caregiver enthusiastically and needs cuddling, closeness, and warmth.
Disorganized/disoriented
In the 1980s, several researchers found a small residual group, which means that today four attachment styles can be distinguished in children: secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized/disoriented. The third corresponds to Ainsworth’s ‘repellent attachment’ and the last is the new group. Children in this group exhibit the following characteristic: simultaneous approach and avoidance of the caregiver. This contradiction arises from the fact that the caregiver is simultaneously experienced by the child as a source of security and fear.
Offer the child a safe base
Various studies have shown that it is important that caregivers provide the child with a safe base and from there encourage the child to explore. Providing a secure base requires an empathetic understanding and sensitivity to the child’s attachment behavior and the willingness and will to accommodate this. Then the recognition that children’s anger mainly arises from frustrations with their need for love, affection and care. Sensitive caregivers develop a safe and stable bond with their children because they respond appropriately to their children’s wants and needs.
Characteristics of securely attached children
Securely attached children generally demonstrate healthy emotional and social development. They have learned that they can count on their caregivers for comfort, support, and safety. Here are some characteristics of securely attached children:
To trust
Securely attached children trust their caregivers and expect them to be available and responsive when they need them.
Emotional openness
They are usually able to express and express their emotions because they have learned that it is safe to share their feelings with others.
Self confidence
Securely attached children generally develop a positive self-image and believe in their own abilities and worthiness.
Healthy relationships
They tend to be able to form healthy and satisfying relationships with others later in life. They can build trust and show empathy.
Emotion regulation
They have learned how to regulate their emotions and are often less bothered by extreme mood swings.
Independence
Securely attached children develop a healthy degree of independence and self-reliance, while also being comfortable asking for help when needed.
Exploration and curiosity
They tend to be curious and exploratory because they know they have a secure base to return to.
Flexibility
Securely attached children can usually adapt to new situations and changes in their environment.
Power of comfort
They have learned how to calm themselves in stressful situations and can also find comfort in others when needed.
Social skills
They develop good social skills, such as understanding the emotions of others and building positive relationships with peers.
Attachment problem/attachment disorder
Unfortunately, a number of children grow up in less favorable circumstances. Many caregivers abuse or neglect their child or are insensitive to the child’s attachment signals that are intended to elicit nurturing. It may also be that the caregiver is unexpectedly admitted to a hospital or psychiatric institution for a period of time or that the caregiver is imprisoned. Or the caregiver constantly threatens as a punitive measure – out of pedagogical powerlessness or cruelty – that he does not love the child and that he will abandon the child. Or the roles are reversed: the caregiver then exerts pressure on the child to structurally act as an attachment figure for him. This reverses the normal caregiver-child relationship. In all these circumstances there is an increased chance that the child will develop insecure attachment and an attachment problem or attachment disorder will arise.
Attachment from the cradle to the grave
Although it manifests itself mainly during childhood, the human being is characterized by attachment behavior from the cradle to the grave. As described, this includes shouting and crying, following the caregiver and clinging to him, but also intense resistance and resistance when a child is left alone with strangers. But the older a person gets, the less often and intensely this behavior is exhibited. Adults mainly display attachment behavior in times of sadness and illness, when they need an arm around them or comforting words or a listening ear. And in situations of fear when he needs a shield around him. These are situations in which he is vulnerable.
Bowlby writes that the special pattern of attachment behavior that a person carries with him from childhood usually continues unchanged throughout his life. In interacting and dealing with others, every adult individual uses cognitive working models that arise from the (partly) safe or unsafe relationships he had with caregivers in his youth. Such a cognitive working model is a generalization of the relational expectations towards others, which are shaped by his earlier childhood experiences.
Source: Ambermb, Pixabay
Insecure attachment and secure attachment
Securely attached children may show sadness when their caregiver leaves them in a strange environment, but they are able to explore and engage in exploratory behavior, knowing that their caregiver will return. Children with secure attachments feel protected by their caregivers, and they know they can count on their return.
Insecurely attached children, on the other hand, tend to overreact to minor stressors and are unable to regulate their stress levels. Furthermore, because these children cannot trust their attachment figures to provide them with consistent, reliable emotional care, they do not develop trust in others and in themselves. The child explores its environment to a lesser extent and therefore learns less than securely attached children.
In case of unsafe attachment, the attachment does not proceed properly. The child does not have that (basic) sense of security.
Securely attached children
According to Bowlby, securely attached children grow up in security and self-confidence. They later become reliable, cooperative and caring people who, as a rule, can establish and maintain intimate, reciprocal relationships. In a relationship he is able to express his feelings and thoughts, enter into an intimate bond with his partner and is able to empathize with the other person, called empathy. He can mobilize social support if desired and can change roles in changing circumstances; sometimes he provides the safe base from which the other can operate and other times he can fall back on the other who can be a safe base for him.
Insecurely attached children
In contrast, insecurely attached children grow up in uncertainty and fear. Due to the attachment pattern that such people carry with them from their youth, they often have a poor ability to enter into or maintain intimate relationships later in life. Such loss comes in all kinds of degrees and forms: it includes an anxious clinging to someone, constantly asking for love and care, a distant attitude and a challenging independence, and so on. As an adult, the insecurely attached person anticipates negative experiences he had in childhood. He expects this situation to repeat itself in his current relationship and he tries to prevent this by exhibiting certain survival behaviors. For example, someone who has been abandoned by his caregiver as a child may cling very tightly to his partner as an adult for fear of being abandoned by him (separation anxiety). I will discuss these abnormal patterns of attachment behavior in the next section.
Four basic patterns of attachment behavior in adults
Roughly four attachment styles can be distinguished in adults that correspond to the four styles identified in children: secure/autonomous, reserved, dismissive, preoccupied and disorganized/unresolved. In addition to these main classifications, there are many sub-classifications.
Below are a number of common attachment patterns discussed (in an enlarged form) as we can observe them in adults. I do not follow the above classification. It is therefore explicitly not about scientific classifications, but about ‘clinical observations’. The examples are by no means exhaustive. I borrow the first three from Bowlby (1983).
Source: Istock.com/Taborsk
Basic pattern 1: anxious attachment
To begin with, there is the basic pattern that an individual demonstrates anxious attachment. This arises from the fear of losing the other person. As a result, he clings to others in relationships and adopts a very dependent attitude. In addition to this ‘clinging behavior’, which arises from the fear of losing the other person, he feels a strong latent desire for love and care, something that he had to do without in his childhood. In a relationship this can be expressed by a constant demand for love and care. He actually expects the other person to always be a safe base for him, a kind of caregiver, and that the other person continually mother, cherish and care for him. It is a desire for the safety and security that he previously did not have from his caregiver(s). There is no question of an equal relationship: he will not (be able to) give the other person love and care to the same extent. He will not be able to provide the other person with a secure base if he or she asks for it.
He is also afraid of emotional contact and closeness. He does not dare to expose himself, because his trust in the world and the people around him has been damaged as a result of the insecure attachment. He distrusts others and is afraid of being abandoned if he makes himself vulnerable. A deeply rooted fear of rejection and rejection underlies this.
The fear of losing the other person can become a life expectancy. He perceives, almost always wrongly, trivial situations, such as a minor disagreement or friction, as a warning sign that the other person will abandon him. Such everyday situations can, because they are misinterpreted by him (based on the cognitive working model as it was formed in his youth), set off all the alarm bells and provoke a severe stress and panic reaction. Sometimes such a person will also be afraid that the other person, for example his partner, will commit infidelity. He will view all situations that arise in this light. This can lead to extreme jealousy.
There is a danger that the dependent type will at some point fall into substance abuse. This is because he fails to give direction and guidance to his life himself , but always expects help and support from others. Due to this dependence, there is a good chance that he will seek refuge in substance use.
Basic pattern 2: compulsive self-confidence
Secondly, there is the person with compulsive self-confidence. Such a person does not seek the love and care of others, but keeps himself big and strong and insists on taking care of himself under all circumstances. According to Bowlby, such a person will sooner or later succumb to stress, burnout or depression. Or he develops all kinds of psychosomatic complaints, which, after much insistence from those around him, brings him to the doctor’s office. The difference with those who exhibit anxious attachment is that these individuals show a different response pattern to the insecure attachment; they suppress attachment feelings and behavior and deny any desire for a close bond. These individuals harbor a deep-seated distrust of intimate relationships. They have once again rejected the dormant fear of being offended and hurt and that is why they adopt an unapproachable and independent attitude. They live by the thought: ‘I will never let anyone hurt me or hurt me again’.
In relationships they adopt an emotionally distant , some might say cold, attitude and they adopt a defiantly independent attitude. They are rigid and inflexible people, with whom it is not easy to live together as a partner or child. They can also be demanding and attach great importance to matter or appearance and some to intellectual prestige. He wants to present the image of the successful man with the perfect family to the outside world. However, he won’t spend much time with his family. He will spend almost all his time on his work, administrative positions, eldership and other activities, so that he does not have to think about his emotional life. He will never express his feelings or desires – in his eyes that is weakness and weakness is sooner or later mercilessly punished – or show himself interested in those of others. He will also not provide care and support to the other person or ask for it himself; he keeps himself big and strong under all circumstances.
Basic pattern 3: compulsive grooming
Entering into many relationships in the role of caregiver
Another pattern of attachment behavior that Bowlby describes is compulsive grooming. Someone who exhibits this pattern will usually enter into many relationships, but always in the role of the one who provides the care and never of the one who receives the care. Often the chosen one is a helpless victim who appreciates the care showered on him for a while. The person being cared for usually enjoys being mothered and pampered for a while, until he or she feels short of breath and feels like he or she has nowhere to go and is stuck. He has then become a prisoner of the relationship. He must accept and appreciate the care showered on him if he does not want to incur the resentment of the caregiver. The compulsive caregiver demands a lot of admiration and recognition in return for his giving. However, his need for this is insatiable because he now demands the attention and love that he missed as a child.
The characteristic childhood experience of such people is a caregiver who, because of depression, prolonged bedlessness, or for some other reason, was unable to care for the child, but was happy to be cared for himself and perhaps even wanted the younger brothers and sisters to be cared for by him. were helped and cared for.[2] The cognitive working model of such a person tells him that only relationships are possible for him in which he is the caregiver, and that he has only himself to care for him. As a child, he learned very early how not to feel and that he must focus exclusively on the needs of the caregiver(s) if he does not want to lose the love of the caregiver(s). It turns out that children who grow up in homes sometimes also develop this way.
A compulsive caregiver is preoccupied with caring for others. He is so absorbed in this that he completely ignores himself. A compulsive caregiver has had to adapt to the needs and desires of his caregiver during childhood. A tragic consequence of this adjustment is that it becomes impossible to consciously experience and express certain feelings or desires in childhood and subsequently as an adult. He attributes his unfulfilled and repressed desires for love and care to the cared for, who can therefore be regarded as the caregiver’s substitute.
Inability to build intimate relationships
It is clear that the compulsive caregiver cannot build intimate relationships based on reciprocity. He will never be able to express his true feelings and desires. With perhaps the exception of feelings of resentment and anger if the care is not accepted or appreciated by the person being cared for. Instead, he attributes his own unmet needs to the cared for. The caregiver cannot change roles; he can only provide care and support (even if the other person does not ask for it) and will never ask for this himself. The psychologist Winnicott called this the ‘false self’. The child has learned to deny feelings and desires because he has had to adapt and conform to the wishes of his caregiver(s) in order not to jeopardize the love of his caregiver(s). The false self always anticipates the needs and wants of others in order to maintain the relationship, so as not to lose the other. This process irrevocably creates an overriding feeling of alienation and emptiness in the compulsive caregiver. The psychoanalyst Alice Miller says of such individuals that they have not developed healthy narcissism.
Alcohol abuse is lurking… / Source: Istock.com/Csaba Deli
Basic Pattern 4: Avoidant Attachment
A person with avoidant attachment behavior has a strongly activated attachment system but is unable to seek closeness and contact because they expect disappointment, rejection or frustration due to past experiences – emotional neglect. Let me illustrate this pattern with the following example: A child whose friendly overtures to caregivers are consistently met with rejection may begin to withdraw from social interactions. If this continues for a longer period of time, he may find it difficult to enter into intimate relationships. His cognitive working model tells him: ‘People just reject me anyway’. This withdrawal can lead to an isolated lifestyle and loneliness. Alcohol abuse is lurking, as alcohol promotes social interaction and helps to overcome inhibitions.
Finally
These were the four main basic patterns of adult attachment that result from insecure attachment in childhood. It is clear that these abnormal patterns of attachment behavior seriously block the ability to form or build intimate relationships. Fortunately, people have the power and ability to change and to accept what they cannot change.
The ultimate happiness in your life is that you were loved. Victor Hugo, writer/poet (1802-1885)
Notes:
- Irma M. Hein, Manon CH van Dal and Ramón JL Lindauer. Problematic attachment: Picking up signals in young people. Ned Tijdschr Geneeskd. 2020;164:D4269
- In the literature this process is sometimes referred to as ‘parentification’; In such a case, the child is forced into the role of parent with all the responsibilities and obligations that come with it. The child then takes care of the parent, the young(er) children and takes care of the household chores. The renowned family therapist Minuchin calls such a child ‘the adjutant of the family’; Such an ‘adjutant’ takes over certain parenting tasks as a representative of the parents. Read: Minuchin, S. et al,. Family structure and therapeutic techniques; Wooden: Bohn Stafleu van Loghum, 1993 (1983), p. 71-72. The term ‘constructive parentification’ is sometimes also mentioned in the literature. The care that the child performs or the chores that the child does are defined. The child receives recognition for what he or she does, and the care is not only limited but also appropriate. The child is given enough time and space to be a child. It is clear that this must be distinguished from the aforementioned ‘destructive parentification’.
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