Almost everyone is optimistic and enthusiastic at the beginning of a relationship. However, over time, patterns can creep into the relationship that the partners are not happy with. During a fun weekend away, which was intended to break the routine, the couple discovers that the negative pattern has traveled with them. To break such a pattern, a weekend away is not enough. How do you keep your relationship fun?
Patterns
In every relationship, fixed patterns emerge over time. There is nothing wrong with that in itself. You know each other and can predict to a certain extent how the other person will react. That gives a feeling of safety and familiarity with each other. Things are different when it comes to a negative pattern. He always gets the full brunt when he comes home from work. She is told again and again that she is just like her mother. Whenever he wants to discuss a frustration, he is thrown a bucket of incidents from the past. She tries to explain that she feels like she is alone, but she keeps getting the response that he has to work for a living.
It is recognizable to many people. The striking thing is that most of these negative patterns are a result of ingrained but wrong conversation habits. Many couples want things to change, while (unconsciously) continuing the same communication pattern. But the age-old law of nature also applies in relationships: action = reaction. As long as you keep taking the same action, you can always expect the same response. Do you want to break an annoying pattern? Then take a closer look at your way of communicating, because as soon as you choose a different action, your partner will also react differently.
Speaking or listening?
For a good conversation you need a speaker and a listener. A lot can go wrong in both roles. Listening seems very easy and therefore the role of listener is often neglected. Yet most communication problems arise precisely because people listen poorly. Often both partners are focused on what they have to say. The attention is then on your own story, and not on what the other person is saying. To have a good conversation you need to listen to the other person. Listening is very different from hearing. Only after you have heard and understood the other person well can you respond in such a way that the conversation yields something.
But a lot can also go wrong when speaking. As a speaker you can tell a vague and unclear story. You may not dare to say exactly what you mean for fear of offending the other person. Or you think that the other person should just sense what you want to say. You can also express yourself in a wordy or incomprehensible way. You may find it important to describe every detail and not notice that the listener is getting lost. Or you are so full of your story that all you do is spout off, without noticing that your partner is not listening.
Choose role
So decide in advance, or as soon as a conversation starts, what you are going to do. Are you going to talk, or are you going to listen? Do you care very much about your own story, is it urgent or very important? Then you will not be able to pay much attention to the other person. It is so clear to the other person when you announce this: Well, now I have something, I really need to say it! Or: Do you have a moment, because I have something I want to talk about. The other person then knows that you are full of something, that your thoughts distract you so that you cannot be a good listener at that moment. You then consciously choose the role of speaker. Do you have little to say and notice that the other person wants to say something? Then give him space, encourage him to talk and show clearly that you are listening. Remind yourself that you are choosing the role of listener, and stick with it until the story is told.
Continue to communicate consciously
Many couples who have been together for a while tend to read each other’s minds. You think you know exactly what is going on in the other person’s mind. He doesn’t have to tell you anything anymore because you can read it from him. There is a great danger in this belief, because you then start to interpret for yourself how the other person feels and what he has to say. The other person then no longer gets the chance to put into words what is going on in his or her head, and that may be completely different from what you assume. This way, a gap can arise between you without you noticing.
- Incorrect: (…He looks just like yesterday. Must have been busy at work again. I won’t ask anything, I can already see it…)
- Good: How are you? – That’s okay, a bit tired… – Let me make you a nice cup of coffee so you can recover. How was work?
In the first example, the partner fills in what is going on without asking. In the second example, the partner is given the space to say what he wants to say . So always keep communicating, even if you think you already know what is going on with your partner. Give him the chance to tell you himself. He then feels heard and seen. Moreover, he gets the chance to surprise you, because maybe something completely different is going on this time!
Tell us what your wishes are
Another pitfall is making accusations, especially if this replaces making a proposal or asking a question. Underneath most accusations there is actually a wish. That wish goes unnoticed if it is wrapped in an attack or a reproach. By opening a conversation in this way you probably won’t achieve your goal:
We’ll be stuck inside all weekend again, you never feel like doing anything anyway. You haven’t cleaned up yet again! You always make a mess and now I’m stuck with the mess again!
Questions that are not actually questions belong
in the same category. Why am I the only one who ever cleans anything up here? This isn’t really a question because there is no reasonable answer to it. You don’t really expect that, because even if you put it in a questioning form, it is just a disguised accusation. Only a very good listener can detect a request in this. By opening with an accusation, the atmosphere is immediately negative. You can only expect a negative response to a negative opening sentence. The chance that it will be a pleasant weekend is small. It is therefore better to express what you want to achieve as a wish or a request:
- “I feel like doing something fun with you this weekend. Shall we go to the beach together?”
- “I’ve had a rough day at the office. Would you mind cleaning up a bit so I can rest for a while?”
Now your wish is clear. The chance that your partner will agree and that you will achieve what you want is much greater. Moreover, this conversation starts in a positive atmosphere , and that gives your partner space to respond positively.
Stay in the present
A mistake that many couples make is that they stray from the topic in a conversation and start dragging old stones out of the ditch. This happens especially easily if one of the partners notices that he is not going to achieve his goal, if he notices that an argument is not convincing enough or if a point of criticism is not sufficiently addressed. The conversation quickly turns into an endless discussion about events from the distant past, until no one remembers what it was originally about. It is probably about a topic that you have had arguments about before, something that has not been resolved properly before or something that has never gone smoothly. There is then no point in continuing that old discussion in the same way. You didn’t get out that way last time, so why now?
If the other person does something that bothers you, try to say so immediately. Only describe what is happening at the moment without citing examples from the past. Try to express how his behavior makes you feel right now, and let the past go. If the conversation goes in a different direction, agree to talk about it another time and stick to this one topic for now.
Criticism of behavior, not character
An important mistake that many people make is the so-called playing on the man or committing character assassination. Of course you should be able to tell each other what is bothering you. That criticism must be aimed at the behavior of the other person, not at the personality or character. After all, everyone can choose different behavior , but you cannot change your character . An attack on the personality can therefore be experienced as particularly hurtful.
I thought we were going shopping today? There is no point in agreeing anything with you, what an egoist you are! Here an analysis is given of the character of the partner, he is an egoist because he has forgotten something. These types of conclusions can be very hurtful.
Can we look at something else? I don’t like sports. So because you are not sporty, I am not allowed to watch football! Here too, the partner’s character is judged instead of the request . In both examples nothing is contributed to a good atmosphere. Comments in this style are intended to hurt each other rather than solve anything. The criticism is aimed at the person and not at his behavior: he does not do wrong, he is wrong, his character is defective.
If you want to keep your relationship fun, it is very important that you respect and value each other. It is important for both of you that you can be yourself. If you feel like you have to pretend to be something other than who you are , you can’t relax. Permanent partners must feel safe with each other. By destroying each other’s character you create an unsafe atmosphere and that does not benefit the relationship. Therefore, always limit your criticism to the other person’s behavior .
- “I thought we were going shopping today? Have you forgotten that? I find that annoying, I was probably counting on it…”
- “Can we look at something else? I don’t like sports.” “There are still 20 minutes left in this match and I really want to see it.”
This way you stay on the topic of the discussion without hurting each other.
Sometimes both partners have the best intentions, but communication remains a problem. Relationship counseling can then offer a solution. As a third party, the counselor can guide the conversation , identify where the partners’ communication problems are, and help them learn more effective ways.
By working on good communication, a relationship can flourish again and become a safe, stable relationship for life.