Not all ways children use to influence their parents are forms of manipulative behavior. Boys and girls start looking for ways to get their father or mother around their finger very early in life. Children are usually masters at discovering their parents’ weaknesses and how they can best influence their father or mother. When is there innocent influence and when is it manipulative behavior? How do you recognize the signals?
Innocent ways and less innocent ways to influence
A child can try to get his way in an amiable way or through annoying behavior.
Friendly behavior, for example using charm, can be an innocent way of influencing, but the same behavior can also be a form of manipulation under certain circumstances. A child who
tries to get his way through annoying behavior is always being manipulative.
Charm as a tool of influence
A child with behavioral problems who is suddenly overly sweet and obedient may have discovered the weapon of charm. It then hopes that through its temporarily sweet and obedient behavior it will allow it to do something that it would otherwise be prohibited from doing or that it will not have to do something it would otherwise have to do.
Perhaps the child wants to watch a late TV show on a weekday instead of having to go to bed at the normal time. The child knows that you always want him to be fit at school the next day and that he therefore has to go to bed at a fixed, early time during the week. The (temporarily) sweet and obedient behavior is then a form of manipulation.
However, there is no need for manipulation if a child without special behavioral problems, for example, would like to take ballet lessons or music lessons and is therefore spontaneously extra helpful in the household for a few days. For example, the child spontaneously offers to do the dishes or dry them, or do some other household chores. Such behavior can simply be a charming and innocent way to ingratiate you. The child suspects that he or she has a chance of being allowed to take ballet lessons or music lessons and would like to maximize that chance. There is a (charming) attempt at influence, but not at manipulation.
If a child uses his charm to get permission from one parent for something , while he knows that the other parent is against it, there is always manipulation involved.
Annoying behavior as a means of influence
Annoying behavior by a child is not always intended as a means of influence. A child who starts grumbling about an assigned task, or slams the door behind him to do homework in his room, does not do this to manipulate, but only to take out his frustration.
A child who tries to get his way through annoying behavior is manipulating. Essentially the child is trying to say: Do what I want, otherwise things will become very unpleasant here.
It is important that you, as a parent or caregiver, recognize in a timely manner that the child wants to enter into the struggle for power in this way. Because once a power struggle rages between the child and his parents or caregivers, it is not easy to put an end to it. The child then tries to use verbal or physical violence to persuade a parent or caregiver to give him his way.
Anyone who gives in to the child’s demands in order to get rid of the hassle actually invites the child to work even harder next time to get their own way. If a parent or caregiver gives in to such pressure from a child, it will have an adverse effect in the long run. The boy or girl’s attempts at tyranny only become more intense.
Practical example of a manipulative child
The child in the example above, who wants to watch a late TV show on a weekday instead of going to bed at the normal time, first tries with charm. In that case, he may already be unusually sweet and obedient a day or a few hours before that TV broadcast.
After he tells you that he wants to watch the late program that evening, you tell him that he has to go to bed at the normal time, because he has to be fit for school the next day. The child realizes that he has not achieved his goal with his charm and now starts to be annoying. He raises his voice and may curse at you or become emotional.
You may be inclined to interpret this behavior of your son or daughter as anger or frustration. Or perhaps even your child’s inability to deal with stress. But essentially it is your child’s attempt to manipulate you and take power from you. The child thinks that the louder he rages, the more power he has over the situation. That is why it is important that children learn from their parents as soon as possible that they will never get what they want through manipulation and that there are better methods of influencing.
read more
- The manipulative child
- How do you protect yourself against manipulative people?
- Can a corrective spanking do any harm?
- Tips to control the behavior of a manipulative child
- Checklist for parents of a manipulative child