Giving and receiving feedback, we all do it, even every day. Unfortunately, feedback is often interpreted as criticism. Being criticized means that you have done something wrong, or not good enough, and is therefore often experienced as a personal attack. Someone who feels criticized is usually no longer open to tips for improvement. How can people give each other good feedback without it being experienced as criticism?
What is feedback?
Feedback is a concept from physics. Literally it means feedback. Feedback does not have to be negative. Feedback is also a compliment. Strictly speaking, any response to an action is feedback. The response you receive allows you to see whether an action has the desired result. If not, you can consider another action to still achieve your goal. You give a lot of feedback unconsciously and automatically. Applauding, laughing, blushing, making an angry face, raising your voice, these are all reactions to an experience or event. You don’t really think about it, you experience it so you react.
Consciously formulated
However, when we talk about feedback we mean more the form that has been consciously thought about. This could be in the form of a performance review, but also your partner telling you how your behavior came across to her, or your teenage daughter making it clear that she finds your rules ridiculously old-fashioned.
Difference with criticism
Broadly speaking, we can conclude that criticism is negative. You will be told by the other person what was wrong with your attitude, behavior, performance or actions. The other person lets you know (verbally or non-verbally) that it was not good, that it annoyed him and that he does not agree with it. The recipient often experiences this as a personal attack. He may feel insulted or hurt.
Feedback can be both positive and negative. Applause, a compliment, a good grade on a test, it’s all positive feedback. Feedback can also be negative and therefore experienced as criticism. Yet negative feedback is not the same as criticism.
By applying certain rules when giving verbal feedback, you prevent feedback from being experienced as criticism and the recipient is more likely to benefit from it. The feedback is then helpful to the recipient.
How do you give good feedback?
- The most important thing is that you prepare the conversation. Think in advance about what you want to say. Decide for yourself what the topic of the conversation should be, and resolve to stick to that one topic. This way you avoid opening up an entire “cesspool” at once.
- Check whether the recipient has some time to talk. If he is busy or has his mind elsewhere, there is a good chance that some of what you say will be lost. So make sure you have a quiet moment.
- Then tell what you have to say, but do it in the first person. So don’t: you always do… you did last week… This sounds accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive. The conversation will then most likely degenerate into a yes-no answer, and that will not achieve your goal. So keep it to yourself, tell us what you noticed and what effect it had on you. I see/notice that….
- Make sure you talk about the behavior, and not about the personality of the other person. Try to keep your own judgment or interpretation of what you noticed out of it. Stick to the pure facts. So: “I see you’ve been doing some work in the shed.” and not: “I see you’ve messed up the whole shed again with that mess of yours.”
- Explain what you want to achieve with the conversation, for example by saying: “I find it annoying when that happens and I would like it to be different next time. I would like it if we could find a solution for this.”
- Give your conversation partner the opportunity to respond. So ask: What do you think about that? Or: What could we do about this?
To practice
If it is the first time that you are consciously working on giving feedback, it is useful to practice in advance. Think of a few good sentences that start with I, and practice them, if necessary in front of the mirror, so that you know how it comes across. Keep in mind what you want to achieve with the conversation. Are you very angry and do you really just want to lecture the other person? Better wait until you have calmed down. Both the giver and the receiver of the feedback should benefit from the feedback, and no one will be the wiser from an ordinary shouting match.