When we hear the word quarrel, we generally do not think of anything positive. Conflicts are annoying, bring tension and frustration, and make us aware of our shortcomings. Yet arguing can be very useful. Conflicts occur in every relationship. People are simply different. Despite all those individual differences, people everywhere have to work or live together with each other. That sometimes demands a lot from our ability to adapt and cope. The moment we feel we reach a limit, a conflict arises.
Possibilities
A conflict offers many possibilities. People wake up due to conflicts, the senses become sharper, the energy of the parties involved increases. Having a conflict has an activating effect. As soon as you are challenged by someone else about your attitude or behavior, your thoughts start to run at full speed. Is he right? What exactly were you doing again? Was that really wrong? All your attention is focused on analyzing the situation, your own role in it, and at the same time you try to translate that flood of thoughts into words. So you are completely on edge and your attention is focused.
Show yourself!
But the conflict is also a meeting point. After all, the other person shows something of himself by starting the conflict. He shows what he finds important, what his norms and values are, what he values. Moreover, he also lets you know something relationally: You are important enough to argue with, I value our relationship or collaboration enough to want to fight it out or solve it. By responding to the opening of the conflict you do the same thing: You show yourself. You let the other person know how you think, what your opinion is, what you stand for. But before you can let the other person know, you have to have an idea of it yourself . Through the conflict you not only learn something about the other person, but also about yourself.
Having a conflict gives you the opportunity to gain a clear view of important values in the other person and in yourself. In this way you may discover that you and your conversation partner share the same norms and values, but use different means to achieve a goal. If you can identify common norms and values, you can redirect the conversation toward ways you can achieve your shared goal. This way you can get closer to each other. Without a doubt, a conflict can be a revelation for yourself, because you discover what you value and how that is with your conversation partner. That’s why conflict is not something to be afraid of, you just need to know how to turn it into a positive conversation!
Stress
No matter how positive one may be towards conflict, the fact remains that conflict is accompanied by stress. When we are under stress, we often communicate less effectively. Stress prepares us for fight or flight, not for
assertive behavior. Our best ideas for interacting well with others come to us while we are daydreaming or before we fall asleep, not in the middle of a heated argument. It is important to learn to manage the tension so that it does not negatively influence the conflict. Concentrate on your breathing for a moment, try to survey the situation and think before you react.
You can opt for the cheap solution: the counterattack, character assassination or analysis of the other person’s behavior. In many cases that is the first thing that comes to mind and may be on the tip of your tongue . You will then be able to temporarily relieve the tension in an easy way. But it is not the most effective way. So take a moment to think about what you want to achieve. Briefly summarize what you have understood from the other person: So if I understand correctly, you think and want me to do this. This shows that you are open to a constructive discussion. The other person now has to check whether your summary is correct, and that brings peace to the conversation.
In short, despite the negative connotations of the word, conflict offers an opportunity to notice, discuss and work things out. Conflicts keep people moving, and that gives room for change!