What are effective tips if you want to tackle the behavior of a manipulative child? The secret of a successful approach lies in a consistent attitude towards the manipulative behavior of the boy or girl. That is common knowledge. But how do you do that in practical situations?
No is no and yes is yes
If your child pulls out all the stops with whining, crying, sulking, long silence, guilt-tripping, outright accusations or false promises, it is often difficult to remain emotionally unaffected and hold on to your position. Still, that’s the best way to respond to a heated child.
Make it clear that once you have told the child to do or not do something, the discussion is over. If your son or daughter continues to whine, ignore the behavior or send him or her to his or her own room. Be consistent so that at some point the child understands that no means no and yes means yes. Below are some practical situations and tips for approaching the manipulative child.
Do not focus on the wishes of the manipulating child, but on his or her undesirable behavior
Be wary when a child responds to your no by raising his or her voice or other undesirable behavior. Your son or daughter is trying to limit your power over him or her with intimidating behavior. The child believes that if he pulls out enough stops, you will eventually give him his way. Your son or daughter probably bases this belief on his or her experience that this strategy has previously brought him or her success. In any case, you cannot still give the child his way without implicitly inviting him to use this successful strategy against you more often in the future. In any case, make sure that the rest of the discussion is no longer about the child’s wishes, but about his or her undesirable behavior towards you.
Prevent a manipulative child from playing his parents against each other
Children have a keen sense of which of their parents is most likely to give in to their wishes. It is therefore important that parents make clear agreements among themselves about what a child is allowed and what is not. This concerns, for example, questions such as:
- All homework must be completed before the child does anything for themselves (for example, reading a comic book, playing a video game, or surfing the Internet).
- What time should the child go to bed during the week and what time at the weekend?
- The manipulative child tries to seduce what he considers the weakest parent to give permission for something that he knows the other parent would refuse him. As a seduction tactic, it uses either excessive charm or annoying behavior. Don’t fall for it, even if the child is crying, whining or fussing terribly. Such behavior is part of his manipulative approach.
Children know how to spot their parents’ weaknesses and how to exploit them. Some parents melt when a child behaves sweetly. Other parents do not want unrest in the house (What will the neighbors think?) and are inclined to give in to the child’s (unwise) wishes.
When you, as a mother, hear a sentence like: B ut daddy allowed it! or as a father: ‘But mom allowed it! you know that it is time to make better agreements with your partner about parenting.
Never say: ‘I’ll talk to your father/mother about it’
What do you do if you suspect or know that the other parent does not agree with something, while you yourself do not think it is that important? In any case, never say: I will talk to your father about it (if you are the mother of the child). Keep the children completely out of agreements that you as parents make about the things your children may or may not do. Never let your child know that his parents think differently about these things: that is an open invitation for the child to play his parents against each other.
Concrete tips to curb manipulative behavior in practice
To start with: get a child out of his unwanted behavior pattern. For example, what you could do first is to say something along the lines of: As long as you speak with a raised voice, there is no more talking to be done. Or: You don’t achieve anything with threats.
If a request to stop the manipulative behavior does not work and the child does not want to listen, for example, send the child to his room. Or you go to another room yourself with the words: ‘When you are calm again, we can talk further.’ After all, effective manipulations require at least two people: one person who manipulates and another who undergoes this behavior. So provide a cooling-off period by sending the child to another room or by going to another room yourself. Let the child calm down until he or she is calm enough to listen to you.
If you are calm enough yourself, you can possibly ask the child who has now cooled down in a neutral tone: Are you trying to bully me? Or Is this an attempt to intimidate me? It is better not to ask such questions when you are stressed, because then the child may interpret your question as a challenge. Such a question, if asked in a calm manner, makes it clear to the child what he is doing, namely that he is bullying and that this is a very clumsy approach to making a wish come true. The child also understands how you experience his behavior. By naming his undesirable behavior, that behavior loses some of its potential power. With a bit of luck, the child will then realize that the conversation is no longer about the late TV program, but about his manner of doing things and that he cannot get his way. If the child answers bluntly that he is indeed bullying you, you can explain to him that this is not an effective way to solve his problem. If the child tells you that he or she is not bullying you, ask him/her to speak less loudly. Finally
, tell the child what behavior you expect from him (you can now do your homework / clean your room / …. If necessary, you can suggest another activity or continue what you were doing before the unwanted behavior occurred.
Patience and resilience
The practical tips mentioned above are simple and effective. However, keep in mind that following those tips won’t be easy at first. Your child will probably react angrily, obstinately or in some other annoying way at first. You then need a lot of patience and resilience.
If you consistently do not give in to the child’s demands, he or she will learn after some time that annoying behavior does not pay off. What everything revolves around is that the child learns to realize that he cannot achieve his goal by manipulating and that manipulative behavior is counterproductive. That insight paves the way for him to start using more effective ways of communicating.
read more
- How do you protect yourself against manipulative people?
- The manipulative child
- Manipulation or innocent influence by the child
- Can a corrective spanking do any harm?
- Checklist for parents of a manipulative child