,The Dalai Lama Principle for Parents, is a remarkable manual written by 2 German pedagogical experts. Their starting point is that it is not the behavior of our children that should worry us, but that of the adults who raise them. With their handbook, Anne Bärbel Koehle and doctor Stefan Reisz provide (apparently) simple, but sensible basic principles that teach you to guide your children towards a future free of violence and hate.
Shift your attention
The Dalai Lama:
“If you find that you have made a mistake, take immediate action to correct it.”
The authors:
Recent scientific research has shown that a normal small child does something that is not allowed every 3 minutes. This amounts to 20 strokes per hour. In our modern times, that is often more than enough to call in a super nanny or consider a pill to better control the child. The carelessness of many parents is a big mistake. They mainly focus on the (negative) actions of their children instead of paying attention to their own actions, feelings and thinking patterns. Parents who want to train themselves to pay attention to their own insides will find that they have more time and less stress when dealing with their children. Many will recognize it: you shouted at your child completely unfairly, because you simply weren’t feeling well that day. You didn’t pay attention to that feeling and you took it out on your child. The damage has already been done. Parents who are trained to pay attention to themselves will find themselves in these types of situations less often, because those who are truly attentive think before they react and not the other way around.
And how do you get it done?
Simply deciding to pay attention is not enough. It is something you have to learn, just like a sport or a foreign language. You need to practice and train by being alert during daily activities, such as washing dishes. Notice the movements of your hands, feel the temperature of the water, notice how you pick up a plate, wash it, dry it and put it in the cupboard. Also analyze your thoughts: allow them to flow freely, even the negative ones, and examine them thoroughly. Is it an impulse or something I really feel/want? Why? What really matters here is that you neither judge nor appreciate your own thoughts – there are no good or bad thoughts or feelings. It is about perceiving them very consciously. Only when you recognize your own feelings/behavior can you master them and not let them explode into behavior that you later regret.
Be kind, don’t shout
The Dalai Lama:
,A friendly atmosphere at home is the best basis for your life.,
The authors:
When their child freaks out, many parents do the same. While in such situations it is very important to respond kindly. When a child feels that you not only love his/her neat, sweet, sympathetic side, but also his/her difficult and insufferable side, it nourishes a child and gives him/her the space to become a balanced and whole person. Of course, they cannot always have everything they want and they must learn that there are boundaries and rules that must be respected. The most important thing is how that happens. Consistent shouting and sharp snide comments about inappropriate behavior can cause serious damage in both the short and long term. However, this does not mean that you allow unwanted behavior with a smile. You clearly tell your child what is not allowed and if he or she crosses the line with his or her behavior, there is a punishment attached to it: go to his room, in the corner, and take something away. But at the same time, you should gently reassure your child that this prohibition is not a rejection of his own personality. A child needs to know that he or she is loved unconditionally, even though the child may behave insufferably.
And how do you get it done?
What often helps in difficult situations (e.g. an angry outburst from your child) is to ask yourself what the world looks like when you look through your child’s eyes. What is your child afraid of when he can’t sleep? What goes through your child’s mind when he builds a tower? How proud is he when he succeeds? How angry will he be when that tower collapses? This way you can better understand what needs your child feels and respond to them.
With older children you can try to manage their anger. Acknowledge that they are angry and let them know that you are aware of it. Ask why they are so angry and what could help them. Show understanding, build discussion and stick to your boundaries when they are reasonable.
Reducing control without becoming indifferent
The Dalai Lama:
Learn to let go, that is the key to happiness.
The authors:
We have massively forgotten how to stay calm. Our children are increasingly monitored and medicalized. We prefer to keep an eye on them all the time, close to us. If they go out as one, they are given a mobile phone or electronic bracelet. And to stay attentive to their lessons at school, they are given a pill. The authors therefore advocate letting children go more often, but this is often misunderstood. Letting go does not mean that you have to be indifferent to your child. It requires us to give our children the opportunity to discover the world in their own way. After all, it will experience the most and learn lessons from those experiences that will often last a lifetime.
And how do you get it done?
Put away your exaggerated worries! Practice not being (over) concerned when your child falls again. If your child is in pain, you will notice this quickly enough. Also try not to judge too quickly what is bad and dangerous for your child. What you, as a parent, consider ‘bad’ for your child is often something that goes against your own preferences. When we try to prevent this (climbing on a high climbing frame, playing around without parents, etc.) we rob our child of an opportunity for further development. And when something is ‘good’, we want to hold on to that moment, because in our opinion it is exactly as it should be: our child continues to sleep, eating with a knife and fork. The disappointment is often great when your child suddenly wakes up again during the night or messes with his food again.
Also let your child play alone
The Dalai Lama:
Welcome changes with open arms.
The authors:
Adults in our modern society believe that every activity should be useful, meaningful and effective. But when you have built a tower for the umpteenth time, which your toddler collapses with a broad smile and happily asks for more, he really tests your attention, because you want to do something different yourself. Children learn through repetition and they often can’t get enough. So stopping every now and then when you want doesn’t hurt. Children also like to do things independently and for them, mom and dad really don’t have to play along all the time.
And how do you get it done?
Every now and then, consciously let your child continue playing alone with a toy, a book, or a drawing. And not while you sit quietly watching a few meters away, but really get out of his play area. Use these moments to relax and gain new strength. Do something you enjoy.