Children are a gift! Parenting doesn’t have to be that difficult as long as you are consistent. Children like clarity, want to know where they stand and what they can expect. They still have to learn what is allowed and what is not. And they want to try out how far they can go. They don’t have to understand everything yet, nor can they, as long as they know they can rely on you. That you are there for them. Give them an environment of love, attention and structure.
To raise
Parenting is a profession in itself. It is a wonder that parents dare to start having children without a parenting course. There are natural talents, but there won’t be many. Most learn to parent through trial and error. Being consistent, practicing patience, these are not the qualities in which we excel for most of us. We have to practice this. It doesn’t always work out. Because we want too much, are temporarily busy or worried. If your child wants attention, this is not always convenient.
Children
Children like it when parents are consistent, provide structure, and praise them. This provides stability and security, making them feel safe and valued.
- Give children attention and offer them peace and regularity.
- Play with them, talk to them, read to them.
- Even if you don’t have time, make some time, give the child attention and then continue what you were doing (don’t take out your frustrations on your child!). Explain that you are busy but that you want to listen and ask what it has done or what it wants to say.
- Use mealtimes to talk to each other, when you get home, when you put your child to bed. Let everyone eat together, at the table, and at fixed times. Keep the conversation central, which provides order and peace during meals. Don’t let everyone talk or shout at the same time. The children can then concentrate better on their food.
With love
When you put a child to bed, prepare him in advance so that it does not come as a surprise. Give it attention and love when you wash it and brush its teeth. Read or tell a story, cut it short and leave with the promise that you will come back in a while to see if it is asleep and do so. If the child does not accept this and, for example, keeps getting out of bed or keeps shouting and crying, put him back to bed without talking to him and ignore the shouting or crying.
Questions or assignments
You ask your child something but he or she doesn’t respond. What are you doing? Don’t consult, don’t whine or argue, but ask again. If he doesn’t respond yet, don’t ask him a third time, but tell him to do what you asked. Don’t keep explaining why you want it to do something or respond to its whining. If you do this, the child may experience this as negative attention and anything is better than no attention!
Listen or in the corner
If your child does not want to listen, even after you have asked something for the second time, warn him that you will set it aside. If this has no effect, put your money where your mouth is and stick with it until things calm down. Don’t argue and ignore all objections and crying until it’s over. Then you let it do what you asked.
Alarm clock
If you need to put a child in the corner for longer because he/she really doesn’t want to listen, set an alarm clock and explain that he/she must stay in the corner until the alarm goes off. You don’t have to stay with it and the child knows the rules of the game, knows what to expect.
Consistent
Warning only makes sense if you are consistent and do what you warn about. Otherwise, your child will not take you seriously and will not learn to listen. If the child acts out even though he or she knows that this is not allowed, send it back again and again until it listens. Don’t argue, don’t defend your behavior and above all don’t shout; This indicates that you are not in control of the situation or in control of yourself.
Attention
If the child is used to shouting, to negative attention, you will not get immediate results. Never accept kicking, hitting or swearing, and set a good example by never doing so yourself! Always remain calm, that will get you the furthest, even though it still requires so much patience. Be decisive: put the child back in the corner, take him back to bed, without arguing or eye contact, even if it takes an hour at first.
Hitting or kicking
Take it to his room immediately, without any discussion, without wasting words. This is the only way to make it clear that this is really unacceptable. Don’t lose your patience, don’t hit or threaten yourself, stay calm.
Punishment
Punishment teaches children that they have done something that is not allowed, that they have been disobedient. Children do not yet understand everything and because they are still too small, there is little point in explaining it, which is why, according to Jo Frost, punishment would be good, but in proportion! Children understand boundaries, they provide safety and clarity. Boundaries indicate how far they can go, what is allowed and what is not. They test those boundaries. If you are clear and consistent from the start about what your child is allowed and what is not, you should not expect any drama. However, if you accept more than usual in the beginning, or when it suits you, the child will not understand this and will throw his ass against the manger and react in a cross way. Only then will you have a problem!
Be careful what you say when you’re angry
You can also make it very clear that you do not like something, certain behavior. By saying it clearly: I don’t like what you do , or: I find it annoying when you act like that. Don’t say: you are annoying, or: you are disobedient. Keep it to yourself and don’t immediately turn a little problem into a bad character trait. Do not handle the child roughly, no matter how angry you are. That hurts and then your child has extra reason to cry.
If you find yourself getting very angry , walk away to cool down and sort things out. Then try again.
Teaching independence
Give the child tasks, let him do as much as possible what he can already do and wants to do on his own: dressing himself, eating independently without making a mess (that can really be learned!), helping to set the table, throwing away waste, putting away toys. Because it is allowed to do something independently, it is given responsibility and therefore feels valued and part of the family. It can show what it can do and that gives a good feeling. Don’t let him do things he isn’t ready for yet. Don’t force anything, everything has its time. One child is faster at talking, another at walking or going to the potty. Children do not have to perform yet. Enjoy who they are and how they develop.