Divorce, separation by death, relocation and other departure of people with whom the child has a close bond undoubtedly have consequences for a child, especially when it concerns situations involving involuntary departure from the child’s own familiar environment. All certainties that a child has can come under pressure and it is very important that the child becomes aware of the certainties that are still there and what new certainties may arise.
Child and divorce
A divorce can cause different reactions in a child. This can vary from withdrawn, quiet behavior to very busy and exuberant behavior. Physical complaints can also be part of this. These complaints have consequences for the child, because performance ,decreases, both at home and at school.
Cases of divorce (but also divorce due to the death of a loved one, separation due to moving or a major argument) can often keep children very busy. The child wants to understand what is going on and what has happened. It is trying to sort out its feelings and the adult(s) present around the child must also be open to these feelings, behavior, questions and comments about the separation. That is quite difficult, because we do not always know what to do with these situations ourselves.
Some children start to think ,magically,, they are convinced that they themselves have contributed to this situation. They wonder, ,What’s wrong with me?, or “What have I done?” The answers that children come up with to these types of questions have a great influence on the child’s self-image and self-confidence and this makes them very insecure.
Based on the premise that they had a part in the divorce, they feel personally responsible . It is therefore very important that it is made clear to the child how the situation actually works and that it is the adults who made this decision.
What can I do as a parent for the child in this situation?
- Be clear to the child about what is going on and why the decision has been made to proceed with the divorce.
- Try not to portray the other party in a bad light. After all, it remains the other parent that the child loves.
- Explain clearly and emphatically that this decision has been made and, most importantly, that it is not the child’s fault or fault.
- Invite the child to deal with feelings of sadness and powerlessness and to express these to you, as a parent. That it is completely normal to feel sad and to express it.
- In addition to the divorce and the sadness as a suffering factor, try to ,let life go on, and pick up or undertake positive things. Go cycling, to the playground, swimming, etc. These things are distracting and the child also experiences that there are still pleasant situations outside of the divorce.
- Annoying discussions with the other party in the divorce sometimes take place, both in person and by telephone. Try to feed this at a time when children do not hear or have to experience this. If the child is nearby, explain that you would like to discuss something about… and that you would like to do this ,in private,. Try to explain this in a businesslike manner, without being accusatory towards the other parent.
For the people around the child:
- Some children look for a person in their immediate environment with whom they feel familiar and safe. This could be a teacher, a neighbor, grandmother, the parent of a friend she often visits, etc. Sometimes the child starts to see that person as a father or mother figure. Guard your boundaries here. You cannot play as a substitute parent.
- Respect both parents and do not judge anyone, but continue to show understanding for the difficult situation the parents are in. Ultimately, it is important that the child’s relationship with both parents remains positive.
- Make it clear to the child that there are differences in values and norms and try to show respect and understanding for this.
- Do not provide (well-intentioned) help that the child does not ask for. The child then starts to see himself as a ,problem case,. It is better to look for the child’s strengths and stimulate them, so that he or she can look for a solution with your stimulation.
- Allow the child to express the emotions that are there and tell them that this is allowed and very logical.
Finally
When reading the above article you may think: ,Well said and written,, but I would like to mention that this text comes not only from literature, but also from my own experience. With two very different children, with different characters: one very closed and the other very open, I know that practice works very differently from the beautiful stories from literature. What is important, however: Let the child remain a child and let them enjoy their youth, despite the divorce situation, which ultimately they did not choose, and ultimately neither do you!
It is often popularly said that the children are always the victims of the divorce: I absolutely do not agree with this: after all, two parents who show no affection and who have differences of opinion are also not an ideal home base for children and not a striking example of how they should behave later in life and in relationships.