Leary’s Rose is a model that maps out what people express with their communication and how people respond to each other. People often respond according to a fixed pattern. Certain behavior evokes a certain reaction. By making smart and conscious use of the Rose of Leary, you learn to predict and influence the behavior of others. Moreover, you will learn to recognize and improve your own posture in a simple way.
A compass
In my article Making an Influence with the Rose of Leary I described the basic principles of the Rose of Leary. People are naturally inclined to complement the behavior of others. This creates fixed patterns in our interaction with each other. This has advantages, because it means you don’t always have to think about what you are doing. If patterns become an obstacle to effective collaboration, it is time to adopt different behavior. Because you only really have influence on your own behavior, you start with that. Using the compass you can determine where you are with your behavior and where the other person is.
The first distinction you make is between dominant and non-dominant behavior. Dominant behavior is classified above the horizontal line, non-dominant behavior is below the line. A second division is between task-oriented behavior and relationship-oriented behavior. If the behavior is focused on the task that needs to be accomplished, you divide it to the left of the vertical line. Does the mutual relationship form the core of the behavior? Then it belongs on the right side.
Now four cardinal points have already been added to the compass. If we divide these four again, we arrive at eight behavioral variants. Leary has described these (clockwise) as: competitive, leading, helping, cooperative, following, withdrawn, rebellious and attacking , as shown in the drawing.
Using the model
If you want to influence someone else’s behavior, or if you want to break a stuck pattern, start by identifying the other person’s typical behavior. Where does that behavior lie in the compass? Then ask yourself what you think needs to change. Where is the other person in the Rose, and where do you want to move him? Depending on the answer to that question, you choose a form of behavior that is horizontal or vertical to your partner’s behavior. Behaviors that are horizontally opposed to each other evoke and provoke each other. Behaviors that are vertically opposed to each other reinforce each other.
Recognize behavioral variants
To determine as clearly as possible where the other person sits in the Roos, but also to investigate where you sit yourself, you can use the following guidelines:
LEADING BEHAVIOR:
Principle : take charge, show expertise, make an impression.
Appearance : Listen to me!
Typical behavior:
- Taking initiatives: ‘I propose we start now.’
- Giving assignments: ‘Please look into that for me.’
- Taking responsibility: ‘I will take care of that.’
- Show expertise: ‘I will explain how you can approach that.’
HELPING BEHAVIOR:
Principle : like to take care of others.
Appearance : we like each other.
Typical behavior:
- Providing support, agreeing: ‘I think that’s a good idea’
- Encourage: ‘Great, keep it up.’
- Taking care of the other person: ‘Let me make you a nice cup of coffee!’
- Creating an atmosphere: ‘Let’s make it fun.’
- Urging help or attention: ‘Come here and I’ll do it for you.’
COOPERATIVE / ADAPTIVE BEHAVIOR:
Starting point : supportive, charming and seductive (non-verbal) behavior
Appearance : I do what you want.
Typical behavior:
Asking questions: ‘How do you like it here?
NEXT / DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR:
Starting point : passively listening to what others have to say
Appearance : Help!
Typical behavior:
- Show that you agree with the bottom: ‘Yes, that sounds like fun.’
- Leaving the responsibility or action to the other person: ‘Do you want to do it?’ Expressing admiration: ‘How good of you!’
- Asking for opinions: ‘What do you think?’
- Dependent or helpless behavior: ,I can’t do it without you.,
WITHDRAWAL/DISPISSIONAL BEHAVIOR:
Principle : not taking responsibility.
Appearance : Leave me alone!
Typical behavior:
- To be obedient: ,I will do as you wish.,
- Modest: ‘Just give me a moment, I don’t really need it.’
- Gossip: ‘Have you heard that…’
- Pretend nothing is wrong: ‘I don’t know anything.’
REBELLANT BEHAVIOR:
Starting point : implicit criticism.
Appearance : You don’t like me.
Typical behavior:
- Defense: ‘I don’t agree with it, I see it differently.”
- Contradict: ‘No, that’s not true, that’s not how it is.’
- Complaining, whining: ‘It’s so stuffy here!’
- Resisting: ‘If we do that, things will go completely wrong.’
- Cynicism: ‘Do you really think you can get further this way?’
OFFENSIVE/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR:
Starting point : swearing, threatening, aggressive or even dangerous behavior.
Appearance : Be afraid of me!
Typical behavior:
- Address sternly: ‘I demand that you apologize.’
- Corrective action: ‘Are you completely crazy?’
- Criticizing: ‘I find that very annoying!’
- Accuse: ‘It’s all because of you!’
COMPETITIVE BEHAVIOR:
Principle : taking up all the space, not taking others into account.
Appearance : Look at me being good!
Typical behavior:
- Giving assignments: ‘Just do it that way’
- Expressing personal interest or decision: ‘That’s how I want it’
- Setting rules/standards: ‘We don’t do things like that here.’
- Demanding obedience: ‘Step aside!’
- Judgment: ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
To work!
Now you can easily determine which behavior you should use to strengthen or neutralize the other person’s behavior. Forms of behavior that are horizontally opposite each other encourage and feed each other. They form a more or less fixed pattern:
- offensive behavior evokes rebellious behavior and vice versa: the aggression spiral
- competitive behavior evokes withdrawn behavior and vice versa: the master/slave model
- Leading behavior calls for subsequent behavior and vice versa: the power game
- Helping behavior evokes cooperative behavior and vice versa: the dance of love
Determine which behavioral schedule applies to the pattern you want to break. Which sector of the Roos are you in, and where is the other person? If you want to break the pattern, you have to choose different behavior yourself . You achieve the best effect by choosing behavior that is ,next to, the other person’s behavior in the Rose of Leary.
Examples
- You are stuck in an aggression prison with one of your colleagues. Your colleague usually behaves aggressively, and in response you behave rebelliously. Do you want to break this pattern? Then start consciously paying attention to your interaction. The next time the pattern emerges, you choose helping behavior instead of rebellious behavior. So your colleague fires off: ,Are you completely crazy, look at what a mess you’re making!!, then you don’t say as usual: ,Hey, I did n’t do that, just keep calm!, but: ,You know what, I’ll get a nice cup of coffee and then we’ll solve it together.,
- Do you feel like you’re in a power play with your spouse? One of you then behaves predominantly as a leader, the other following. If you want to get rid of this, first determine your own role. Are you the leader? Then pay close attention to the situations in which the pattern occurs. The next time you are in that situation, do not take a leading position, but withdraw. Because you are not leading now, your partner cannot follow either. He or she will now take the lead himself or seek cooperation.
But beware: not only the other person is stuck in patterns and automatisms, you probably are too. Your reaction pattern has also become ingrained, it happens to you more often than you consciously choose to do so. You may even feel like you have no choice. Change never happens overnight. You must become well aware of the pattern you want to break, when it occurs and what your own role is in it. You must then identify when the pattern occurs again and implement the new behavior at that time. Getting started with Leary’s Rose requires good preparation, a lot of practice, concentration and a fair dose of perseverance. If you want to achieve your goal, it is important that you consciously use your new behavior and maintain it for a longer period of time.