An apparently unsolvable conflict with our neighbors; family members who are at odds with each other; you no longer look at a former colleague or business associate out of dissatisfaction, etc. How can a sensible adult restore the relationship if communication has gone completely out of hand. How do we ensure that the feud, the dispute, is ended and peace signed. Despite the resentment that has arisen, this is often possible, even if you are currently the only one of the two who is willing to attempt reconciliation.
Prevent conflict
The wisest thing to do is to nip conflicts in the bud before they get out of hand. Arguments can arise from anger that has been pent up for too long, because we have been annoyed by something about the other person for quite some time. Actually, the one who causes the feud through his anger is the culprit. Even though the reason may lie with the other person. How can the other person know that he is causing annoyance if he has never been told this before in a calm, diplomatic manner. Angry impulsive reactions rarely lead to a solution. Usually, due to the wrong choice of words and unfriendly attitude, a further hardening of positions follows.
Resolving arguments is not always difficult
Most arguments and conflicts can be easily resolved. Remember that the other person is probably also upset about the conflict. If one of the two parties tries to reach a rapprochement, the other may react with relief that the matter can be resolved. Find a good moment and of course admit openly that you may also be wrong. Be vulnerable. Ask and listen to the other person calmly before giving your opinion.
You haven’t spoken to the other person for years
If neither of them has a real will to settle the conflict, the quarrel will only end with the death of one of the two. But if you are tired of the conflict, there are a number of options. Here too, the other person often, deep in his heart, also wants a solution. In that case it will not be that difficult to start talking to each other again. But of course you cannot know that in advance.
Method 1
If you are able to put your thoughts down on paper, you can try sending a letter. Sometimes better by post than by email, since a piece of paper has more value than a computer screen. In such a letter you do not have to go into the conflict too deeply, but you can say, for example:
- that you regret living at odds with each other, while there used to be such good relations
- So try to remind the other person of the good times of the past when you were still friends
- Sum up the positive things from the past and ask why those good times cannot return
- Ultimately never seeing or speaking to each other again is a dreadful prospect
- upon death the quarrel can no longer be made up and perhaps the survivor will deeply regret it
- If you have (also) made mistakes, admit them in the letter, without going into all the details immediately
- let them know that it is not only both of you who are affected by it, but that the environment (children, friends) is also damaged by it and that they suffer just as much from the conflict
- Finally, mention your email, telephone, postal address and ask if he/she would like to respond
- offers that you will be happy to come to him/her
If there is no quick response
If there is no response to your invitation to approach, please send a card and ask if the letter has been received. But if you have the email address you can also send an email.
Method 2
Instead of writing, you can of course also (or also) request the mediation of someone else. You can best estimate who this is: Children, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbors, etc. If a direct attempt through the mediator is not successful, the strategy may be for the mediator to first make an inventory of what is bothering the other person. and then report it to you. You can respond to this via the mediator or by letter. All in all, there must of course also be some will for reconciliation on the part of the other party. But that idea may have to grow first, so give him/her enough time to do so. And possibly be prepared to make a second attempt at rapprochement.
Peace again
Hopefully peace can eventually be signed again, so that from now on you can go outside quietly again, without the fear of bumping into the other person.
read more
- Avoiding conflict, confrontation, arguing or sometimes not?