It took a long time before love, perhaps one of our most important emotions, became the subject of scientific research. Love is difficult to research, the chemistry of falling in love is perhaps easier to measure than our feeling of love. Falling in love is a (partly) chemical process and is not eternal. Love (the real one) can last a lifetime.
Contents
- Love is a cultural and biological phenomenon
- Is it love or friendship
- Love comes in many types
- Love is lust, romantic attraction and attachment
- Six love styles
- The triangle of love, triangular theory of love
Love is a cultural and biological phenomenon
It has been written that love is a cultural and biological phenomenon. It is clear that all kinds of chemical processes are at the start, certainly of falling in love, but also of love. We produce all kinds of substances in the beginning of a relationship that make us feel great when we are with the other person. Do cultural factors also play a role? Unlikely, if love were a culturally determined phenomenon then there should be cultures in which love plays no role. Anthropologists are certain that such cultures do not exist. The way we deal with and express love is culturally determined.
Is it love or friendship
The American psychologist Rubin attempted to create a scale on which it would be possible to distinguish between romantic love and friendship. According to Rubin, romantic love consists of three elements: affection, care, and intimacy. If you can find all these components within a love relationship, then it is romantic love. Affection, wanting to be with the other person, caring for, considering the needs of the other person as important as your own and intimacy, wanting to share everything with the other person in all areas. By completing a questionnaire, Rubin was able to distinguish between love and friendship. The feeling of love is difficult to put into concrete terms, but Rubin’s questions gave a nice insight into someone’s feelings for another person.
Love comes in many types
When someone uses the term love, it is not necessarily a description of one person’s feelings for another. Love has many forms and degrees. I love asparagus is different from I love hard work, God, my parents, books, power, you. The distinction should be clear. The most beautiful, Christians will call Agapē, the deep unconditional love of God for man. Parents will call the love for their children in Greek storge. Karuna, a beautiful word from Hindustani, charity that puts others above oneself. Buddhism also knows the term, as charity is an important (and necessary) phase on the journey to enlightenment.
Love is lust, romantic attraction and attachment
According to Fisher, an American anthropologist, love has three phases: lust, romantic attraction and attachment. It starts with lust, then passion and finally sexual attraction, but that is not necessary. Some fall in love first and then have sex, others prefer to reverse it. The final phase is bonding, considering the needs of others as important as your own. The final phase is also the most decisive phase. After about 30 months, the production of dopamine and phenylethylamine lags behind considerably, then we have to do it ourselves and find a close love relationship or (who knows) we’ll-stay-friends relationship. The lust and passion is not focused on one person, not even the search for that one. Romantic attraction is focused on that one person and on the willingness to enter into a monogamous relationship together. Attachment is also aimed at that one person, wanting to continue together in a monogamous relationship and building a future.
Six love styles
John Alan Lee, he introduced the six styles of love. He saw six different ways people deal with love. Successively: eros, mania, ludus, pragma, storge and finally agapē (the order is completely arbitrary). Storge is a relationship based on friendship, at least, that’s what it’s all about in the first place. Eros, passion and physical attraction are the basis. Mania, a shaky love, the word says it all, passionate but also with an unhealthy emotional charge. Fatal Attraction, does that say enough? Ludus, no constructive style, it’s about the catch, the immediate release and then it’s over. Ludus is not about building a stable, close relationship. Pragma, pragmatic love, according to many, the emphasis here is not on love. It is mainly research into the possibilities of a possible partner. Wage demands, intelligence, appearance and future prospects, romantic love is less important. Agapē is often described as charity, but also a relationship in which someone wants to give themselves away for the other.
The triangle of love, triangular theory of love
Sternberg came up with the triangular theory of love in 1986. An attempt to arrive at a classification for the different forms of love and one of the most popular to date. Sternberg sees three important elements in love. First of all, he distinguishes between intimacy. Intimacy in the sense of being involved with each other and wanting to be with each other, friendship comes closest to this. The second is passion, physical attraction and sexual attraction, infatuation. The third is commitment, staying together for now and in the future. Without the passion and intimacy it is also called empty love. The different combinations that are possible also give a different kind of love. Intimacy and commitment create a friendly love. Intimacy and passion, a romantic love, does not go beyond the runaway production of dopamine and thinking beyond the here and now. Love (the real great one) is all the components together: passion, intimacy and connection.
- Passion: The beginning is passion, temporarily unresponsive. Biologists gave a perfect reason for this ‘madness’. What does nature want from us and what is ultimately necessary to sustain life? That’s right, reproduction. Without passion, love does not begin. Without the passion, we have to arrange marriages or and that happens to us, our brains temporarily pump us full of all kinds of wonderful substances that temporarily throw us off completely. Research has shown that we are heavily under the influence for about a year or two. Just enough time to…
- Intimacy : Perhaps the best way to describe this is platonic love, but also friendship. Intimacy is not just reserved for people in a love relationship. It is sharing thoughts and experiences. It is also building a common past and thus comparable experiences. In addition, it is a matter of building trust, I trust you, so I dare to tell you that…
- Engagement : It grows over the years or it becomes less and less. It is the will to build a future together. Engagement is most commonly associated with arranged marriages. When the passion and intimacy are gone, this is what remains. But it is also the outcome of both passion and intimacy, growing into a relationship that deserves a future.
The criticism of the love triangle has always been that it seems like we are there. When we have achieved passion, intimacy and commitment we have perfect love. Unfortunately, this is not true, it is not hanging in the back of your armchair. Perfect love also requires work, but if you actually want to go for it: Love (the real, perfect) can last a lifetime.