A subject that baby books and magazines sometimes pay less attention to is the relationship between new parents. As wonderful as it is when a new family member has arrived, especially if it is your first child, the relationship between loved ones can feel awkward. How do you deal with that? Read more… The first time of being a parent is often wonderful, and just as often that time is not always easy. For you nor for your partner. How do you give the right priority to the baby, but also to each other? It is important to give space together for all feelings, even the less welcome ones, and to keep talking. It’s good if you both realize the benefits of a strong bond between you, your partner and the baby. A committed partner eases the other’s burden. But being involved together also means less unfamiliarity with your child. Moreover, your relationship remains demonstrably better, as has been shown by all kinds of research. You are older together.
Prioritize
Who or what is the main point of attention and questions when you are a new family? An obvious answer is: mother and child. Or father and child. But although it may be surprising, it is the mother-father relationship that experts regularly call the most difficult within the mother-child-father trio. Previously you were with two people, and your relationship had acquired a familiar and defined rhythm. Now a lot is changing between you, practically and emotionally. Together you witness a miracle. But you are also deeply affected together, sometimes confused or emotional. Plus the fact that you are also lovers. So that relationship deserves attention!
Intimacy… or the dishes?
As difficult as it can be, make time for you as a couple, and not just for you in your parenting role. Better to have a mess in the house and have a good conversation together than the other way around. Your love life will also gradually make room again. However, take it easy and pay attention to your body. Be sure to wait until the maternity flow has stopped. Especially because of pulling stitches or sore breasts, the desire for physical intimacy may have to wait a while. Take your space for this with confidence. Breastfeeding can make your vagina a bit drier than normal. This whole process can take months. Don’t worry, and don’t oblige or force yourself. Let nature do its work. The desire will come again!
Read more?
- ‘The other pregnancy book,’ F. van der Steen.
- ‘Young parents, when you become a father or mother for the first time’, M. Stoppard (available mainly second-hand)
- ‘Pregnant together’, C. Nieuwboer
- ‘Pregnancy and birth’, B. Gebauer
- ‘On the road with your child’, N. Fels
Do you still find me attractive?
In the meantime, involve the other person in your feelings. Also share any insecurities about your changed body. And above all, ask for what you need to want and be able to be intimate. The love life of new parents is demonstrably better when you both feel supported and helped by your partner, and you are also less tired. Feel free to let your loved one know that this is how it works for you, if you are missing anything. Difficult topic of conversation? Give him a book for new fathers. Finally, a remarkable fact: thanks to Mother Nature, fathers who were present at the birth automatically have fewer sexual desires for a while, as if nature already knows that a break is appropriate here. Nicely arranged, right?
And just this…
In this article we assume the situation in which you grow older together, and the still most common combination of woman and man. By no means does this mean to deny the women who, for whatever reason, raise their children without a partner, or the couples who belong to the so-called ‘same-sex parents’!
A little sexy
Not yet looking forward to a love life with all the trimmings? Think about a nice massage for two. A little bit of cuddling and making out without ‘officially’ having intercourse can also be very nice.
This article previously appeared in the magazine ‘Child on the way’