Manipulation is a technique that someone can use as a way to get their way if they suspect that they would not be able to do so using another strategy. Some people only manipulate in exceptional cases. Other people make it an annoying habit. Sometimes a manipulative person wants to increase power in a particular relationship. In other cases, his behavior is an attempt to get a grip on fear or uncertainty or ‘the nerves’ through an avoidance strategy. The latter mainly happens in new or stressful situations. The reason why someone resorts to manipulative behavior can be important to your relationship with that manipulative person, especially if it concerns a manipulative child.
Manipulating as an avoidance strategy
Manipulative behavior is always annoying for the environment. This is the case when the manipulating person tries to gain more power in the relationship. This is also the case if the manipulating person only uses a clumsy avoidance strategy.
An important question to ask yourself when you are confronted with manipulative behavior from someone around you is: does this person manipulate out of habit or as an exception?
If you are dealing with chronic manipulation, you may choose to put the relationship with the person involved as low as possible. If the person in question only manipulates in special circumstances, you may want to maintain the relationship with him or her.
If you are dealing with a manipulative child, it is important to consistently put a stop to the unwanted behavior, regardless of whether it concerns manipulation out of habit or as an exception.
Manipulating using occasional excuses or routine excuses
Using excuses is one of the ways in which manipulative behavior can manifest itself. It is important to distinguish between using excuses as part of an avoidance strategy or as a routine tactic.
- Does someone only resort to an excuse in exceptional situations?
or
- Does someone make a habit of using all kinds of excuses to manipulate a situation?
Almost everyone has been ‘school sick’ as a child or has considered oversleeping due to fear of exams. Adults also sometimes come up with an opportunistic excuse (such as a flu) in order to reschedule a dentist or hospital appointment at the last minute.
Thanks to an avoidance strategy, you can sometimes avoid being confronted with a feeling of failure, loss of face or other inconvenience such as a bill for not showing up for medical treatment without valid reasons.
Using the above-mentioned, incidental avoidance strategies explicitly does not make someone a manipulative person. This changes if someone makes a habit of avoidance strategies in the form of telling excuses or resorts to verbal or physical violence.
Manipulation as a habit to get something done
Manipulation occurs when someone regularly (and not exceptionally) manipulates a situation to his or her own advantage
- lying,
- complain, sulk or whine,
- flatter,
- long silence,
- bribe,
- operate on other people’s guilt or
- bullying.
These chronically manipulative people often manage to get what they want for a short time, but in the long run they suffer from feelings of failure, frustration and a lack of self-confidence. They can also experience problems with their conscience. Furthermore, some manipulative people suffer from the distrust or contempt of those around them. Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that no one is happy from an unequal relationship.
The development of manipulative children
Some children learn at a very young age that manipulative avoidance strategies can go a long way. This mainly happens when their parents do not fully understand their tactics or, for various reasons, do not act decisively enough against them. These children often encounter serious problems later in life during their education or in work situations.
This has to do with the fact that these children have never learned to adequately deal with their feelings of fear and uncertainty. They cannot develop into balanced adults, but remain stuck in their childish habits of avoidance. This makes developing true friendship virtually impossible. They
are also unlikely to set themselves a constructive goal (such as choosing a hobby that requires the development of certain skills or choosing a future profession that requires extensive training). If these children do set such a goal, the chance is relatively small that they will put enough energy into it to actually make it a success.
Through their avoidance behavior, these children sabotage themselves. Many of them leave school without a diploma or find it difficult to keep a job. Some even come into contact with the law.
It is therefore important to recognize at the earliest possible stage that a child has manipulative tendencies.
If manipulation takes place exceptionally, you can counteract the undesirable behavior with consistent action. You ultimately put a stop to such behavior by never giving in to his demands, no matter how annoying the child may be.
If the child is chronically manipulative, it is important to seek professional help for the child. The sooner the manipulative behavior is recognized, the better the child can be helped to develop better strategies to deal with fear and uncertainty.
read more
- The manipulative child
- How do you protect yourself against manipulative people?
- Manipulation or innocent influence by the child
- Tips to control the behavior of a manipulative child
- Checklist for parents of a manipulative child