If fathers only knew how important they are in raising their children, what will happen? Are fathers clear what their role actually is?
First the mother
The first major contact is reserved for the mothers. Nine months ahead of all fathers. In those important months of pregnancy, a symbiosis is created between mother and child and no one can intervene. The exchange is much greater than ever thought and we know this because we have many more techniques that record what happens in the abdomen. The umbilical cord is not only the double bloodstream, but it also provides oxygen and food. The mother’s emotions flow through it, creating an inseparable connection.
The father as a second attachment figure
After birth, the father has the opportunity to make his first contact with the baby. Of course the baby recognizes his voice, because he or she has been hearing it for months.
The oh-so-important nurturing that now takes place between mother and child is, if all goes well, supported by the father. Touch from the father is now just as important as from the mother. Nursing ring, skin contact, carrying, rocking, talking , it is a prerequisite for bonding.
Indicate boundaries
Children learn as they grow older by setting boundaries. Let the father play a major role in that! Many mothers are guided by their heart: ‘Ah, mom, one more time, please,’ says a child and sometimes the mother feels that she is crossing boundaries. Hers or her child’s. Then it helps if the father resolutely restrains: ‘There, now it’s done’. Children often respond very well to this.
Care versus guidance
It is said that the first twelve years are for the mother. Care occupies a major place in the lives of children. After the age of 12, it becomes especially important for boys to spend time with their father. Children watch what we do and in this way they copy the art of their father, as it were. He is their role model. How a father looks at things, deals with winning and losing, expresses his anger and talks to women is the reference point for the son.
The absent father
Unfortunately, due to the many separations, it is no longer self-evident that the above can arise. Many boys miss their father and that can have consequences for their behavior. Some boys hardly know their father at all. The sadness that this entails is often not expressed and the anger that is underlying it comes out. Anger sometimes. Because big boys don’t cry, we once socially agreed on that. So we continue to dig around. If ultimately the sadness is allowed to flow in a form of guidance and the frustration of missing out is allowed to come out, only then will we see who we really have in front of us.
Invest!
The coaching role that fathers have after the age of 12 is of great importance. Especially for sons. Of course it is wonderful to build a bond with your daughter. Also very valuable. But girls emulate their mothers. That is different.
Build a bond by finding something you both enjoy doing. Whether that’s fishing or chess, or doing odd jobs or whatever . And talk about what you experience and listen to your son’s experiences. Compliment him for his efforts and perseverance, because that’s how you encourage him. Bring out the best in him.
Sometimes fathers give themselves a poor five as fathers. What if you make it an eight? What would that be like for your son, but also for you? Lifelong contact, a son who likes to visit his father and wants to learn things from him. Investing yields a lot, a lot. Doing!