The belief of the flying spaghetti monster, or VSM for short, is young, about five years ago Bobby Henderson came with his letter to the Kansas School Board. This letter was the beginning of the religion of the VSM. Although many people describe this belief as a parody, the Pastafarians, as the followers call themselves, continue to pray to their Noodle Master in their pirate suits. They believe that the religion is at least as logical as Christianity or any other religion.
Source: Niklas Jansson, Wikimedia Commons (Public domain)
Prophet
The prophet of the VSM, Bobby Henderson, began spreading the religion when he was also taught about Christianity in his science class. He disagreed so much that he wrote a letter to the Kansas school board. In this letter (Open Letter to the Kansas School Board, which can be read on the official website of the VSM) he did not write that they should stop teaching religions as sciences, but he wrote that he also wanted to be taught about the VSM . This laid the foundation for this belief.
Creation
As with almost all religions, here too it is the case that god created the universe. According to the creation story, the VSM got tired of flying through the void and created light. Then he made water, then it came long, with the mountain. After the trees he made animals. And of course pirates.
Source: Liam Vleck, Wikimedia Commons (CC BY-SA-3.0)
Pirates & global warming
Prophet
As the figure shows, the temperature increases as the number of pirates decreases. These are real pirates, with eye patches who plunder the seas, and not about piracy such as illegally downloading software, etc. Because of this link between pirates and global warming, Pastafarians believe that every follower of the faith should dress in a pirate outfit. That would be the only way to counteract the greenhouse effect.
Evidence
Pastafarians cite several things as evidence for the flying spaghetti monster. Of the structure of protein and other (often organic) substances. Formations of stars or other celestial bodies are also affected.
Benefits of conversion
The Pastafarians give several benefits for conversion, these include:
- An alternative heaven, with stripper factories and beer volcanoes as far as the eye can see.
- Every Friday is a religious holiday.
- No religious duties or restrictions. The pirate outfit is not an obligation. Praying is allowed, but not necessary. If a Pastafarian prays, this prayer should end with RAmen, instead of the Christian Amen.
Gospel
All information about the VSM is stored in the gospel of the flying spaghetti monster. This gospel also contains the pastafarian variant of the Ten Commandments, the eight would-be’s. These read:
- I’d really rather not have you act like you’re holier than everyone else when you’re describing my needy awesomeness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject!
- I really would rather you not use my existence as an excuse to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or be mean to others. I don’t need sacrifices and the word ,purity, is to describe spring water, not for people.
- I really prefer you not to judge people by their appearance, their clothes or the way they talk. Just be nice, okay? Oh, and by the way, remember this: woman = human. Man = human. Samey = Samey. One isn’t better than the other unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry but I gave that to women and some men who know the difference between pink and purple.
- I really would rather you not behave in a way that could offend yourself or your willing partner of legal age AND mental maturity. For those who have a problem with that: I believe the expression is: ,Have a nice time with yourself,, unless that offends you; in that case, you should turn off the TV and take a walk for a change.
- I really prefer you not to argue with bigoted, hating people on an empty stomach. Eat first.
- I’d really rather you not build millions of dollars worth of churches/temples/mosques/shrines to honor my needy awesomeness when that money could be better spent on (take your pick):
- a. End poverty
- b. Cure diseases
- c. Live in peace, love passionately and drive down the cost of cable TV. I may be a complex and omnipresent being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I should know, I AM the creator.
- I really prefer you not tell people I’m talking to you. You’re not that interesting. Grow up! And I told you to love your neighbors, can’t you take that hint?
- I really prefer you not to do other things that you would only want them to do to you if you are a fan of leather/lube. If the other person is okay with it, on the other hand, then go ahead (see also #4), take pictures and for Mike’s sake, wear a condom! It’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good, I would have added spikes or something.
Future
We are currently working on building a large pirate ship. The intention is that this ship will one day sail the oceans, like a floating church, so that people can learn more about the VSM. And what happens then? Who knows, in a few years’ time, only Pastafarians will be walking around the world. Or maybe the friendly internet religion is dying a silent death. Time will tell.