How often do we casually blurt out what we’re thinking at that moment, without worrying about how it comes across to the other person? Things often go well, but misunderstandings can easily arise, especially with people who do not know us (well). And even if they do know us, but there is fatigue, irritability or hypersensitivity, words can be misinterpreted. Our words are misinterpreted while we are unaware of any harm. That is why it is good to realize what we can achieve with casually expressed thoughts, without being overly concerned with them.
To talk
Most, if not many, people love to talk. It’s fun and entertaining. Until suddenly a word goes wrong, a joke is not appreciated or a comment unconsciously hurts someone. If the other person does not respond, it is not noticeable or can quickly be talked about. If a strong reaction is not forthcoming, the situation becomes more painful. Although this cannot always be prevented, it is still good to know what could have happened if a conversation gets out of hand.
Analog versus digital
With language we can distinguish between conventional or digital language and non-conventional or analogue language.
With conventional or digital language we can think of:
- words
- grammar
- codes (walk in without knocking, kiss three times, take off your shoes after entering)
- traffic signs
- sign language
- Morse signals
With non-conventional or analogous language we can think of:
- voting behavior (elections are not intended here..)
- body position
- exercise
- facial expression, but also :
- sex
- body size
- body weight
- body odor, and even :
- behavior (generous, spontaneous, etc.)
- taste/style, ed
Interpret
The analog language is necessary to understand the digital language. Digital: , I’m happy ,. Analogous: the way this is pronounced, namely: cynical, enthusiastic, sad or flat .
, I’ll do that tomorrow ,, seems like an innocent phrase. Yet various interpretations appear to be easily possible. Which one you choose may say more about you than about the person saying it. However, it can also say something about the experience you have with the speaker. This way you can arrive at the following interpretations:
- Fine, that’s settled then.
- she promises something again!
- it is postponed.
Do-language
In addition, there is the Do -language: all kinds of activities in the do-atmosphere: cooking, gardening, sleeping, walking, watching TV, and so on. Activity language is predominantly analogue, not agreed upon, but coded within a certain community:
She does not work, she does the housework, her husband is the breadwinner.
Misunderstandings
Misunderstandings can arise if the code is not clearly recognizable to everyone:
- Woman complains of back pain while ironing, thinking her husband will give her credit for the work she does. Man takes it as a cry for help and advises her to sit down while ironing.
- Teacher never seems satisfied. He often gives punishment and low grades. Only when he doesn’t do that do you know it’s right.
Analogous language is open to many interpretations, including misunderstandings…For example: anyone who buys expensive brand clothing is part of it. However, there are certainly examples in which the wearer is unaware of this presupposition.
In a good relationship, misunderstandings resolve themselves, in a bad one they pile up. Like in the following example, where things can go wrong if something is wrong with the relationship, while there is nothing wrong if the relationship is healthy.
- Karin and Karel are at a party and are enjoying themselves separately. What is going on here? Is there something going on?
- a They release each other and afterwards tell each other what they have experienced.
- b They are indifferent towards each other and no longer have anything to say to each other.
Meta communication
Talking about – meta communication – is necessary but also dangerous! Talking about a misunderstanding can make matters worse if you’re on the wrong track:
- Karel takes an aspirin.
- a Karin: ,Are you not feeling well?,
- b Karin: ,You drank too much last night!,
Conclusion
So it is that easy to arrive at a wrong interpretation; from both sides! Because Karin may ask an open question (you only know that when you hear her voice and see her facial expression), but Karel may feel caught, as if because he is a bit oversensitive at that moment. So be careful of jumping to conclusions too quickly. In order to understand the other person, it is necessary that you fill in as little information as possible, but instead be open, listen, and clarify what you felt in response to what the other person did or said. But if one of the two is not feeling well, he can immediately feel attacked and react sharply. As a result, you have been shot in the foot again and the matter escalates before you know it.