Success stories are timeless. They are eagerly devoured. The flow of self-help books bursting with enthusiastic advice and tips on how to be successful, rich, forever young and popular never stops. We want so badly to believe in the feasibility of our lives. And are disappointed when things don’t go the way we want. Every life has its ups and downs, there is no escaping that. What is possible: learning to deal with it; with success as well as with setbacks. That is the art of living. And that is achievable. By determining for yourself what you want, letting go of control and not being afraid of surprises.
Makeable
Many people think that life is manageable. Indeed, today much more is possible than ever. We can get high quickly with party drugs, have sex without the risk of unwanted pregnancy, have children without a partner, have a new breast made from our own fat if we have cancer, and become filthy rich on the stock market in a matter of seconds. Moreover, we can soon go on holiday to Mars, for those of us who have seen everything in the world. Who will do what to us?
Feeling
However, beware of the inevitable consequences of this Himmelhoch-jauchzende line of thought. Unless you are willing to be so sorry after a euphoric mood. Because one moment you are convinced that life is smiling at you, the next moment you are inconsolable and deeply depressed. The higher the peaks, the harder the fall.
Euphoria
Who wants that? Many people think that it is the toll you pay for those unaffordable peak times. That is not true. If you are euphoric, a light should go on: is this correct? Isn’t there a catch? Isn’t that story too good to be true? The job where you expect everything; that move; that relationship. You are not a pessimist if you dwell on the negative thoughts that warn you. If something is truly fantastic, it can take a beating. Feel free to look at it from all sides. Play devil’s advocate. Ask others for advice, talk to an expert. Protect yourself from wrong investments or irreversible decisions.
Check
Feelings come and go. This makes them unreliable. In our best moments we feel strong, but that can turn into panic from one moment to the next when things don’t go exactly as we expected or hoped. The smallest things can upset us. Someone makes a nasty comment and our day is ruined. Reality proves to be more stubborn time and time again. We are focused on our health and safety. Yet we still cannot foresee everything and protect ourselves against every setback.
Surprises
But even when it seems like we have our lives under control for a while, we are not satisfied. We are afraid that it will be over soon, no matter how many insurance policies we take out. Or we think life has become so predictable; without surprises and magic. We feel lived. Our career is mapped out. The hard-fought track is disappointing. The high mortgage has a stranglehold on us. A full agenda determines our lives and winter sports have been planned for years. So every surprise can only be negative; an illness, dismissal, a fight with the neighbors…
Know what you want
Is that the life we wanted? Happiness is not just about control! There must be more than a life that is as pleasant, comfortable and predictable as possible! The art of living is about quality, about the value of life, the standards that we find important and want to strive for. Being rich and young is just the outside. We also long for involvement, for a meaning in life. So the question is rather: what are the right goals to pursue? What do we want to achieve? How do we want to live?
Quality
You decide that yourself. Be true to yourself, look for your own normative values (brave instead of cowardly, hospitable instead of afraid of not doing well). In practice, this may mean that someone who eats too much is concerned about their cholesterol levels (control) or about their weak will (quality). Or take someone with a responsible job. She is concerned about her high blood pressure and perhaps at the same time she realizes that her social life leaves much to be desired.
Live from yourself
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), the British philosopher who discovered that you must deal with unhappiness by giving yourself to a cause outside yourself, only had an eye for control, not for quality. But self-forgetfulness in itself is dangerous. It’s about what you lose yourself to; to your obsession with health, with safety, success, etc.? Existence should not seem like a mindless exercise. Self-care is living from yourself, not from a book or success formula. Every person is different, lives in different circumstances, has a different temperament. Rather, look at yourself, your possibilities and shortcomings, work with them and be satisfied.
Myths
This requires the art of living: to safeguard the depth of life. Because control is based on two myths:
- the myth of autonomy: Dependence is a weakness.
- the myth of happiness: You will be happy!
Autonomy
The myth of autonomy is based on the idea that we should be able to live independently, without any help from others. That sometimes goes far. Such as someone who is completely incapacitated, who cannot leave the house independently, who has to go to the hospital regularly, etc. And in the meantime, she continues to insist that her boyfriend does not have to stay with her, that he is free to go if he wants. I would rather do anything than admit that she is and always will be vulnerable. Dependence is not a weakness! You have other things to offer like companionship, humor, love, community. After all, loving means: caring for each other, for better or for worse.
Happy
Even if you act according to your best insights, there is no guarantee that you will get what you want. It’s about how you deal with it. If you think you should be happy, it’s hard to accept when you’re not. It can make you cynical, nihilistic, opportunistic. You can fall prey to resentment and surrender to resignation, to passivity. But does that make you happy?
Art of living
The art of living also offers no guarantee, but it does offer a certain peace of mind and that you can say: ,I lived well, even though things turned out differently., A pleasant and valuable life is lived together with others, not despite or at the expense of those others. We can and must help ourselves and each other. We need eachother.