The word “no” regarding children’s requests is a small word, but it has big consequences. What will happen if we make it a yes? What does a child learn if you are consistent? How do children’s outbursts of anger arise and do we have a role in this? What does it mean if you don’t dare to say ‘no’ because you are afraid of a child’s reaction?
Do children hear the word ‘no’ enough?
For many parents, the word ‘no’ proves to be a difficult word! Many children are not used to something not being allowed or not possible. What are the consequences if children are denied nothing? Anger and rage attacks are often the result and ultimately a child does not learn to deal with the frustrations of life. Strangely enough, the anger attacks are initiated by ourselves as educators.
A practical example
Take the example of the 3-year-old child who goes to the store and, as a righteous child, produces a chocolate bar at the checkout and beams and proposes to buy it too. Many parents become agitated and say ‘no’, nothing comes of it! The famous word has been spoken, but then the scene ensues; the child starts shouting that he wants it and the parent, with shame on his cheeks, says: ‘Now one more thing and then stop whining!’ At that moment, however, it will happen that the little one will discover that the word ‘no’ just means ‘yes!’ and cheerfully arrives with two bars. The parent, frustrated and well, speaks the magic word ‘no!’ again. off and the scene starts again. But now with more noise and arm movements and sometimes even falling to the ground. “Come on then and stop now,” he sounds angry and above all tired. Ultimately, the lesson the 3-year-old boy receives is: no becomes yes if I put enough energy into it! It requires us educators to become aware of the fact that we are failing our child and ultimately ourselves if we cannot refuse children’s requests. That we keep something going! No matter how difficult it is for the entire store to enjoy, make it clear to your child that it is not going to happen. Give compliments when things went well and especially compliment yourself when you haven’t given in. It will take some time, but the angry moods will subside. The younger a child learns that not everything can and may be done, so the more a child learns that life has limitations, the easier it becomes and remains to deal with.
Why explaining is so important:
Furthermore, it is important to give children a lot of explanation about why we don’t want things, which is not wise. Children, especially young children, have no overview of their lives. We, parents and educators, have the helicopter view. We can see the consequences and that is completely lacking in children. A child is focused on himself and fulfilling his own needs. There is nothing wrong with that in development, but it is a limited view. It also helps to make agreements with young and older children. What will be purchased, what can and cannot be chosen. Let young children put things in the cart themselves, for example by saying: ‘Are you going to look for rusks in this path? You can put them in the cart yourself! Well found, very nice. You can weigh the bananas and put the sticker on them. ,I’m glad you’re helping me so much., Of course, a big store for a young child is like an amusement park for us. Our children need help and decisiveness to learn to deal with the multitude of impressions. As educators, you are responsible for this. And ‘no’ is part of that. But please explain why not! This teaches a child how the world works, what is possible and what is not. If young children do not learn the word ‘no’ at an early age, they will be future troubled teenagers who want their needs met immediately.
Anger attacks can be prevented:
Many tantrums in young children can be prevented this way. Anger is okay and the disappointment that lies beneath it can be mentioned (you are now very disappointed that you are not allowed to take chips from the store or: it’s a pity that we are almost ready to eat and therefore we no longer have sweets). But we fuel anger when we do not dare to say the word ‘no’, afraid of the angry reactions that children simply give because of their disappointment. As parents, we are not left empty-handed. But first we must realize the effect of removing no from our vocabulary and realize that if we turn our no into yes, we think we are giving children what they need. However, we remember something fundamental from them: no, it’s part of life!
Frustration tolerance, you are a living example:
Dealing with frustration must start young and will lead to learning to accept that not everything is possible. That life has limitations. How do we as educators actually deal with our frustrations? Children mainly learn by what they see you do. How do you live for that? As an educator, can you say out loud when faced with your own frustrations: not everything is possible, that is difficult, but completely okay! Children learn from that.