Why do we have tears anyway? What is the importance of crying? Have we been able to learn that from previous generations or is that something we still have to learn? How do we do that with children?
Why do we have tears anyway?
We differ from the animals because we can cry with tears. Research has shown that when we examine tears, there are two types of tears. That of peeling an onion, for example, and emotional tears. The composition turned out to be completely different. Emotional tears contain stress hormones. Also called cortisol. The reason we cry has everything to do with relieving stress. We literally release stress through the flow of tears. We discharge.
How do we approach children who cry?
Strangely enough, we say to children: be quiet, don’t cry. We have learned from previous generations that crying is not okay and we apologize for tears with the words ‘sorry’. Our first reaction with children is to comfort; we rock babies, we put a pacifier in them, we give them a treat. And if we can’t handle the crying, we get angry and say things like ‘stop whining’, or ‘well it’s over, or ‘go to the hallway if you want to sniffle!’ Boys in particular have often heard that ‘big boys don’t cry,’ or ‘you’re not a sissy!’ Crying is certainly not common among men and there is a reason for that.
What happens when we stop the crying?
If we stop crying and the tears remain within us, whether we are children or adults, stress remains in our system. We can imagine that stress builds up if this happens several times. You could also call it layers of sadness. If we consider where it hurts in our body, we feel that sadness in our stomach, or heart, or in our throat or shoulders. That’s a different place for everyone. Let that often be our weak spot! Children often complain of stomach ache, which in practice is often emotional pain. They are afraid of something or dread something or find something difficult. That is also stress. If a child can free himself through crying, the complaints often disappear on their own. We see that if discharge is not allowed, children tend to react. Hurting another child or destroying something are children’s ways of taking out their built-up stress. It’s actually amazing that we are to blame for this by stopping the crying and discharging.
What happens when crying is allowed or even encouraged?
If we approach children, but also ourselves and others, from the principle that crying is completely normal and healthy, that some stress will disappear through the release, then we will see that relaxation will take place. Children sleep better and are easier to handle and therefore no longer have to react! This means that we do not give a pacifier, because with a pacifier it is impossible to really cry, it becomes more like whining! We also ignore shaking and rocking.
What is the best way to respond when a child is sad?
Hold a child lovingly on your lap or touch him. Tell a child that it’s okay for him or her to cry. You can say to young children that ‘there are a lot of tears in his stomach’ that want to get out. If there are already many layers of sadness, a child will cry longer the first few times, simply because there is more. What has once been cried out has really disappeared. Of course, children experience new sadness and if you encourage them to cry it out, you will notice that they cry for a very short time. Sometimes a child will cry over something very small. We immediately think that it means nothing. However, it is the last straw and underneath there are other layers of sadness. If you mention that by saying, for example: ‘That’s probably not the only reason you have to cry’, then the real sadness underneath will come out.
Emotions were swept under the rug
Looking at our ancestors we discover that emotions were suppressed. They didn’t matter. ‘Just keep going’ was said! That has had an impact on how we now deal with ourselves and our children. If we ourselves are able to deal with sadness in an open way and let our tears flow, we will let our children experience that emotions are part of it. Adults also often have old sorrows that can still be cried out. After all, we were children ourselves and have been hurt, sometimes damaged ourselves. That requires to be discharged. Find a good therapist to guide you through this. It is certain that emotions are part of our existence. Emotions are part of life. They are not good or bad, they are just there! Letting go of sadness means processing it and not hiding it away. Our children learn the most from what they see us do. That’s what we can give them! And we give our children a relaxed life!