If you compare anger with a bottle of sparkling lemonade, you will see that when the bottle is shaken vigorously, a lot of bubbles are created. A moment later it seems as if there are no more bubbles. But that’s just an appearance. If you leave the cap on, it will continue to bubble inside. If you take the cap off you will get an explosion. When a child learns to keep the cap on the bottle of his anger, his anger turns inwards. If the energy is allowed to escape and if this is properly managed, there will be space to put into words what made him so angry.
Is anger normal?
Anger is a healthy emotion. Underneath anger are other emotions that ultimately lead to anger. Frustration or irritation, for example. But also feeling rejected, disappointed, not taken seriously. Feelings are part of life and we can teach our children how to deal with them. Also with anger.
And what about our own anger?
An angry child often evokes anger in us. That’s not surprising, because we were children once too. It turns out that we can still experience and feel our own anger, which we were not allowed to express as children, in contact with our children. The entire range of feelings mentioned above were also our feelings and are hidden in our system. The amygdala in our brain has carefully stored it. The explosion that can occur with our angry children touches this part and we feel it as if it happened yesterday.
What happens if the bubbles stay inside?
A lot of tension arises and the swallowed anger starts to root somewhere inside us. One feels it in the heart, the other in the stomach. Children often draw their anger in their stomach, head and also in arms or legs. They tend to kick and hit when angry. You can imagine that if a lot of anger remains, many sore spots will arise in a child. What we then observe as educators is an unruly child. However, we ignore what is really going on.
Our sore spots
In the generations before us, little or no attention was paid to emotions. Anger was also something people did not know what to do with and it was often punished. ,I’ll show you what real anger is,, shouted a father. The swallow that many of us have faced plays tricks on us in our relationships with our children when they are angry. You can feel enormous anger in your own child and if you were to analyze what the incident that made you so angry was really about, it would become clear that your anger is disproportionate. An example is when a child doesn’t listen and makes you feel like you’re talking to the wall. At that moment, the little angry child in you wakes up who previously didn’t pay attention to what he or she had to say. An explosion is happening inside you! you blurt out, “You will listen to me!” Now old and new pain collide!
Expressing anger
Anger is primarily energy that can flow away when it starts to flow. It is important that we teach ourselves and our children that taking it out on others or the tendency to destroy things is absolutely unacceptable. We have to limit that. We can teach small children to discharge by, for example, stamping very hard on a pillow and shouting very loudly: ‘I am angry, I am angry!’. Older children often benefit from a boxing cushion/ball. By boxing out the energy, they discharge the anger. However, this must be guided. Do not hang the boxing pad too far away, but in a place where you can see what is happening. Agree that it is okay for the anger to come out. Afterwards it is often easier to talk about what made him so angry.
Anger and tears
Anger is often accompanied by sadness underneath. The real release lies in the fact that that sadness can be cried out. The relief is visible in children and relaxation occurs. This has an immediate positive effect on children’s behavior. They sleep better, are more relaxed and make contact more easily. Listening to what a child feels and naming the feelings teaches a child that feelings are just part of it, that they are normal.
Heal your own pain
And what about our old pain? It may be that there is a lot of residual anger that you encounter as an educator in your relationship with your children. The first step is to recognize that you carry that bit of anger with you. Secondly, you can still let go of old pain by using the boxing cushion/ball just like children do. Another tool is to start chopping wood and realize with each stroke that you are releasing old energy. Crying out the sadness that is likely to arise from the memory will strengthen the process of letting go. You can then use creative tools that help process old anger and sadness; drawing, painting, sculpting, writing a letter or a story.
What does that do to our children?
The effect of clearing our own pain on children is profound. Children are intertwined with us, they feel what we feel. If we allow ourselves to feel what we feel and start clearing our old pain, children will thank us. This immediately results in a more relaxed relationship. You want your child to be happy, but your child wants you to be happy.
This is how we connect with our children.