It is important to know what bullying does, but also to know why someone bullies. This text is only intended for children and parents at home. For example, schools could add the whopper training to their teaching materials. It is important to point out to parents and children the consequences of bullying and being bullied.
The causes are diverse
It appears that children who are gentle, do not push back, are lenient and/or forgiving are at great risk of ending up in social isolation.
Anonymous children
For one reason or another, some children do not want or cannot stand out in a class. These ‘anonymous children’ are shy, do not know how to make contact with other children, or are afraid of other children. These children hardly stand out in class. They will therefore not indicate that they are being bullied. When it is discovered, it appears that a fixed pattern of bullying has already developed.
Being apart in itself is not a reason for bullying. But if the teacher continually responds to the strange behavior by teasing, joking, being angry or punishing, it is possible that an alibi is provided for the children, who are full of frustrations and who are looking for someone to share their frustrations with. can react.
In addition, they are often children who do not feel taken seriously, have little control over their lives and struggle with ,questions of being, such as: am I a good child of my parents, am I a good friend, can I be trusted , ed These are children who muse about whether they would be missed: is it a good thing that I am here in this world?
There’s teasing and bullying. The difference between them is big. Children who tease each other can handle each other. Now one teases , then the other. A teased child may tease back. After a while they make up again. You can also tease each other for fun. You should be able to cope with being teased every now and then. You even have some fun and friendly banter.
It’s different with bullying . Bullying is always mean. When bullying occurs, one child is always stronger than the other. One child has bigger muscles, a bigger mouth, more influence. So one always wins and the other is always the loser. Bullying never just happens once in a while. A child who is bullied is always the target. That’s why bullying is never fun. Bullying occurs in the family, the neighborhood or at school.
Symptoms
Claims from children who are sometimes nice to him. In this way the scapegoat can wear out a few children per year.
The behavior is unpredictable. Exaggerated, unreal. sometimes the child is strangely happy or very aggressive or very angry. Avoid aggression by buying out behavior. Doing chores for the bullies. If the teacher is kind to the student, it will ,help, the teacher. If a child or teacher simply asks him something, the scapegoat reacts uncertainly. “Maybe they want something from me,” or, “Maybe this is an introduction to bullying.”
Uncertainty about whether or not he/she will be bullied can lead to behavior in which the child knows that he/she will be bullied. Then he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. For example, deviant behavior, provocative behavior, playing clown. This certainty apparently gives the child more peace than the uncertainty of whether or not he or she will be bullied.
General characteristics of a bullied child
The children who are bullied are usually the group members who cannot stand up for themselves very well, are the least resilient and are the least popular in the class. These children have insufficient social skills and do not know how to handle themselves in social situations. Most of them are ,socially awkward,: out of shyness or fear of failure, they react the wrong way. As a result, it sometimes seems as if they provoke bullying themselves. Most of these children have (or develop as a result of bullying) little self-confidence and a negative self-image. They express this by withdrawing and closing off. This results in these children ending up in a negative spiral. Self-confidence decreases and social skills deteriorate. It is important to do something about this. Provocative victims can also be distinguished. They respond when attacked, but they are not effective. These children are also often not liked by adults. A bullied child can suffer from a form of depression, inferior feelings and shyness. The effects of bullying can permanently damage the victim. Consequences include poor study results or suicide attempts.
What can you do about it?
Support your child
Tell that:
- Bullying is common in schools
- it shouldn’t happen
- the child is not responsible for it himself
- it is very bad, but it can be stopped
- there are many solutions
- provide information. How often does it happen. What do bullies do to their victims? Why do some children bully and others not? Why does the teacher often not see it? Am I not instigating it myself? Why doesn’t the rest of the class do anything?
Let your child read books about bullying
A list of books relating to bullying can be obtained from the public library. For small children, you can read to them. A good reading book for older children (end of primary and early secondary education) is Tyrants. Once the child has read the book, there will be plenty of discussion material. You can discuss the solutions presented in the book, or see what other solutions can be devised for your own problem. You can also watch television programs about bullying with your child
Reward your child
Children who have played the role of scapegoat for a long time are extremely insecure children. They have a low image of themselves. It is easy to explain why they became this way. Bullies have a low opinion of their victims and treat them like trash. Scapegoats start to behave in that image. Help your child regain self-respect. – Give pocket money and let your child decide for himself what he wants to spend part of the amount on. Remember that some bullies extort money in exchange for safety. You will therefore have to exercise some form of control. – Have a say in purchasing clothes. Your child can then accept the consequences of their own choices.
Family council
Goal: learn to stand up for yourself within the family. How: every family member is entitled to convene a family council on any subject: The subject is presented and each family member is allowed to have their say. Once this has taken place, an agreement will be sought. It is important that parents allow their children to achieve ,successes, and not determine what is and is not permitted. In this way you teach children to stand up for themselves and to tell each other what bothers or upsets them, or what makes them feel hurt.
Topics for the family council
- Everyone leaves their stuff lying around
- A person spends all day cleaning up other people’s messes
- Using the television at home
- There is too much arguing in the house
- Different norms of interaction
- Going out
- Holiday destination
- Family visit
Tip: Let your child think about which moments of the day were fun for you. In turn, think about which moment was pleasant for your child.
Encourage your child to play a sport
Look for opportunities your child has to excel in playing with others. This is good for your child’s self-image or self-esteem. Sports are especially important for children aged 10 to 15 years. After that, other interests become important. Judo is a sport that is good for both scapegoats and bullies. However, it only has a positive effect if it is taught by a teacher who understands the needs of a scapegoat. If your child has less motor skills, you can contact the physical education teacher. Some of them provide motor remedial teaching. Others pay extra attention to motorically weak students. Finally, if it is clear that your child lacks sports motor skills, consider not torturing them and letting them go off in front of others. Your child no longer participates in gymnastics. Your child could referee during gym lessons or take tests on his classmates in the field of motor skills. (Cooper test for example or: I count how many times you can jump rope correctly)
Keep communication open
Children who are scapegoated are often closed off. There are several reasons for this:
- The bullies threaten to take stern action if your child talks about it to anyone.
- Out of a last bit of self-esteem, your child does not dare to acknowledge that he or she is being bullied. (In the eyes of others, I am worthless.)
- Your child is afraid that you will also be close to him. (But you are also being so stupid. Why don’t you do anything in return? Don’t act like that, everyone gets bullied sometimes, etc.)
- Your child is afraid that you are disappointed in him/her. (My child cannot cope socially, and is therefore a failure.)
- Your child is afraid that you will take careless steps.
- Your child wants to protect you. (Estimate that father/mother cannot relate to a story about being bullied, for whatever reason.)
- Discuss with your child what steps you are going to take. Your child must agree with this. Otherwise, your child will feel misunderstood or even a victim of your urge to act. Your child must get/keep a grip on their own circumstances. And if you want to consult with your child’s teachers or other important people, first discuss with your child what you plan to do.